If you’re quaking in your boots every second of the day worried about the apocalypse, get in touch with Andy’s Amateur Doomsday Watch Ltd.
We’re basically a bunch of vigilantes, but the Earth’s future is at stake here! And we’re keeping an eye out for doomsday scenarios and ending them before there’s a doomsday event.
But figures you might have some questions about out doomsday watch measures. So, here are the answers!
How Does Andy Protect the Fate of Humanity?
One word (but four letters)—CCTV. With a network of some 13 CCTV cameras setup around the block, we keep a lookout for the likes of (although there are some apocalypse scenarios we’d embrace):
- Nuclear explosions.
- Errant asteroids.
- Invading aliens.
- Plague outbreaks.
- Marauding invaders (Genghis Khan etc.)
At the FIRST HINT of, for example, a Godzilla shaped object on the horizon we set off our car alarms and rush towards the impending doom with heroic recklessness.
Our plan is then to arrive at the, respective, doomsday situation and beat the living daylights out of it! I’ve got 30 years of barroom brawl experience and no plague outbreak of fleas can stop my tattooed fists smashing anyone’s face in!
13 CCTV Cameras to Protect All of Humanity?
Yes! And with YOUR help, we can add a 14th CCTV camera! All you need to do is send us money—the more the better.
Because the more we can watch everything 24/7 and from more angles, the earlier we’ll be able to spot those marauding invaders and give you fair warning to leg it one!
How Does Andy Keep Watch 24/7?
Well, that’s why we need more than 13 CCTV cameras. That 14th would look real good perched on the roof of my car.
But the rest of the time it’s down to me, my volunteers (Biff and Bozzer), and a goddamn relentless supply of energy drinks! I drink 20 cans a day and won’t stop with my manic overconsumption until that 14th CCTV camera is installed as God as my witness!
What are Biff and Bozzer’s Doomsday Avoidance Credentials?
Biff and Bozzer like to keep a low-profile due to past criminal offences, but your interests are at the heart of what they (and I) do. To sum up these fine fellas:
- Biff: After working as a binman, Biff tried his hand at robbing banks. After a 10 year spell behind bars, he came out a changed man and has only amassed three DUI offences in the three years since his release. He now wants to spend the rest of his life “protecting people” from “aliens”.
- To note, Biff was abducted by aliens in 1974.
- Bozzer: Served in the police force until he was found to be taking bribes from a kebab shop. After being fired, he vowed to clean up his act and so robbed the offending kebab shop and used the money to help me set up Andy’s Amateur Doomsday Watch Ltd.
- It’s thanks to Bozzer we have 10 of the 13 CCTV cameras currently in operation protecting society.
I think you’ll agree, Biff and Bozzer are the perfect men (along with me) to protect you from a killer asteroid about to impact with Earth while travelling at 18 km/s.
Is What You Do in Any Way Legal?
No. We’re self-imposed vigilantes of doomsday justice. Don’t tell the narks about it! They’ll try to shut down our crucial operation. AND THAT CANNOT HAPPEN!
How Do I Fund Your Essential Operation?
Thank you for your support! It means THE WORLD to us. Literally, because the world depends on our every move.
However, we’re running an illegal operation here. No online PayPal account or anything! Please drop funds through the letterbox of this address:
237 Conspiracy Theory Avenue,
All your funds will go towards energy drinks and that illusive 14th CCTV camera! As God as my witness, you shall all NOT be eaten by Godzilla on my watch!