Some human males get overexcited at Christmas time. The result is an overabundance of decorations—enough to swamp your home in glittery joy.
However, when it comes time to take the decorations down… well, some human males can have a bit of a tiff on that one.
Today’s human female is struggling with getting her “hubby“ to put his childhood traditions behind so everyone can get on with their lives.
When a Man Loves His Christmas Decorations
Hiya agony aunt. I'm Genevieve (Genny) and I've got a problem with my husband. I think he's broken. We've just had Christmas. Like every year since I married him five years ago, he goes mental with the Christmas decorations. It's a family tradition of his where his dad would put up an absurd amount of decorations in a psychotic display of Christmas reverence. And, well, Fred does the same. He goes MENTAL. And I'm sick of it! Not least with this energy crisis, the bill's come back and we owe £135,000 to our energy supplier! That's because Fred had 355,000 Christmas lights beaming from every possible corner of the house 24/7 for three months. That's right! October, November, and December. He says getting into the "Christmas cheer" is important for the "morale" of family life. I showed him the bill and asked what that'd do for the morale of family life. He went quiet for a moment, then sternly announced, "Big bills should not get in the way of Christmas harmony!" In fact, he provided me with a written notice the next day of his intention of defiance. It reads like this: 'Dearest Genny (mine love), Yesterday you upset me deeply and threatened my ideologies to the very core. Whilst I forgive your blockheaded insensitivity on this matter, you will understand it is of the utmost importance the Christmas decorations now remain in place until Christmas 2023. This will be a beautiful act of resistance, and resilience, against the world. And I want you, and the children, (plus the dog), to join me in combatting the atrocities now being perpetrated against those whom wish to simply hang an obsessively insane amount of Christmas lights in, and around, their property. I accept your humble deference to this request and appoint you to the position of Christmas Repudiation Applied Practices Sergeant (CRAPS) to support my role as Director. The children will disseminate leaflets to the wider public. The dog will guard the property and dismember any bailiffs attempting to get in here to settle that trifling bill. Yours with love and affection, Frederick xx' Well, I think he's batshit crazy and I've already filed for divorce. Any suggestions on how I can get a restraining order on this son of a bitch? Kind regards, Genny
Hi there, Genevieve. As we’ve stated many times on our agony aunt columns, divorce should only be a last resort (such as if your husband turns out to be a robot).
Christmas decorations should never be a reason for divorce.
As this is clearly an emergency situation, we suggest drastic action to ensure the sanctity of your marriage and its survival. Your best course of action is as follows:
- Apply for NASA’s Humans on Mars: ARTEMIS program.
- Head to Mars.
Beginning a new life on a new colony in a new part of the solar system is a superb way to bury the hatchet of your relationship woes (as opposed to burying a hatchet into his Christmas decorations obsessed head).
Not least as your husband won’t be able to get Christmas decorations up there.
Well, not many. Maybe a bauble or two. But certainly not 355,000 lights. Indeed, the stars of the solar system will be your Christmas lights! And they’ll be free of charge, too (incidentally, by heading to Mars you’ll be able to escape that massive energy bill scot-free!!).
But should your husband continue to be an annoyance on the Mars colony, you and the other residents can either:
- Slay him and consume him as an essential energy source.
- Blast him out into the cosmos.
The future is yours to grasp, Genny. And all you need to do to achieve your goals is become one of the first humans on Mars.