Alien invasions are relentless across the world and it’s our job to report on this injustice! This time, in Bolton of Greater Manchester (again), aliens have abducted… BOLTON TOWN HALL!

Truly, they’ve gone too far this time. We see no other option except for all-out nuclear war with these sons of bitches!

Coming over here, taking our Town Halls. Who do they think they are!?

The Alien Abductee: Bolton Town Hall

On the morning of 20th March, 2023, roughly around 9am the aliens arrived in a saucer shaped spaceship. Hovering above the Town Hall, they used an unknown technology to “zap” the Town Hall in order to have off with it.

We spoke to an eyewitness, John Smith (69), who saw the spaceship after he’d just bought a pork pie and a copy of The Daily Mail:

“I looked up, me, and went, ‘Bloody ‘ell!’ Then them bastards zapped the Town Hall with this laser beam thing like at them discos I went to in the Seventies. Then they took off with the Town Hall! I were outraged! I shook me fist into the air and chased down t’ road after them bastards roarin’, ‘OI! Bring that back, you bastards!’ They didn’t bring it back! I wrote a letter to the MP, me, complainin’ about me taxes being wasted on this. It’s not right!”

It is indeed not right, sir! The aliens took Bolton Town Hall and it’s believed they’ve flown the iconic architectural object 78 billion lightyears back to their home planet.

This is not on!

We’re demanding the aliens bring the object back to its rightful place immediately. We have established a petition calling for this restoration and demand a response from Bolton council regarding the matter.

Type of Aliens

Thieves! Blaggards! Who the hell flies 78 billion lightyears to steal a Town Hall? Only the lowliest scum in the Universe, that’s who!

If they need a Town Hall this badly, they should MAKE a Town Hall of their own, on their planet, using their natural resources.

As it stands, by stealing the building in this manner they have signalled an act of war and humanity must respond appropriately (i.e. with mindless violence).

Alien Threat Level Rating

This species of alien is clearly in need of Town Halls. Based on this logic, who knows what else they’ll need? Next, they may return to Bolton in need of public lavatories, the library, the wheelie bins… the list never ends!

It’s a grave threat to Bolton of Greater Manchester.

Our petition calls for the nations of Earth to unite, pools all available resources, build a massive spaceship costing billions, and fly to the planet to retrieve Bolton Town Hall.

Anything less than this will be an act of indifference and, therefore, lead to Bolton shunning the rest of the planet.

Alien Abduction Experience

Clearly not very good! Bolton is outraged. We’re outraged. The aliens currently have a lovely Town Hall on their planet and it’s absolutely outrageous they’ve done this!

Some locals have suggested we just build a new Town Hall, rather than spend billions going out into the deep recesses of space.

To them we say this—tish and pish, you traitorous scum!

The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict

Never in our lives have we been so angry! Our two options as a species are:

1. Bomb the living daylights out of the aliens.
2. Fly up there to get it back.
3. Build a new Town Hall.

Okay, so three options. And option #1 has the downside the bombing will probably destroy Bolton Town Hall in the process. Which would be a regrettable outcome.

As such, we still believe option #2 is the only one available.

We’ve established a Kickstarter campaign to fund the, estimated, $17 billion needed to build this spaceship to go out there and get our Town Hall back! Please contribute whatever funds you can to this cause.