Agony Aunt: “My husband’s turned into a zombie. What do I do?”

When your husband turns into a zombie

Every now and then, a husband is infected with something and will turn into a slobbering, flesh-eating zombie. This can cause issues in a marriage and will need close counselling so as to avoid divorce and/or death by devouring.

Some human females discover their husband is actually a robot.

Is this worse? Sort of. Maybe. Whatever, we’re here to help today’s victim of marriage with advice on zombies (and the putrid stench of rotting flesh).

How to Handle a Zombified Husband

Hi there agony aunt. I have a conundrum. After being infected by the experimental virus KZX101# (don't ask how, or what it is—that's top secret), my husband has turned into a zombie.

From a no-good, do nothing, lazy bastard who lounged around our home expecting me to do everything, he's now become more absorbed in trying to munch on my brains. All while stumbling about the place howling, groaning, and grunting. Not much difference there to his normal self, to be honest.

In many respects, he's now much better as a husband. 

He talks less, he's stopped clogging the toilet, he doesn't put his feet on the living room table, he's stopped drinking lager, doesn't snore in bed, and he's generally just less irritating.

On the downside, he keeps trying to eat my brains.

I've asked him to stop doing that, but he just goes, "UuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." and I don't see how that's a legitimate rebuttal on the matter.

Our three kids don't seem to have really noticed any change in him. Or that he's turned green and much of his body is putrefied. Although our youngest, Casey (6), said to me, "Mummy, why is daddy so, like, less stupid now, huh?" And I said to her, "Because he's stopped drinking beer, honey."

Anyway, I've taken my husband to the doctor, who simply screamed in terror, upped, and fled out of the medical practice. That was because my zombie husband tried to eat his brains. I told zombie husband off for that, but he then tried to eat my brains (again) and I had to tell him to back off.

Honestly, it's the most physical attention he's showed towards me over the last five years in an otherwise loveless and disappointing marriage.

What do you think? Is this for the best? Will having a zombie husband save our marriage? Regarding the brain eating, I've been wearing a crash helmet the last few weeks and he lies in bed with me at night gnawing away on that thing with little effect. So, I'm not really concerned with my safety at the moment.

Cheers, Sandra

Hi there, Sandra! It’s true many women (i.e. human females) will come to view their shambling mess of a husband as zombie-like.

But to have this genuinely happen is somewhat surprising.

The bigger issue here is whether you can cure your husband, as once a man becomes a zombie there’s no way to really come back from being “undead”. You do realise he’s now officially dead, right? Being dead can cause a strain on long-term commitment in relationships.

Nevertheless, you can consider his infatuation with your “brains” as one of two things:

  1. Malicious intent to consume your soft nervous tissue.
  2. Affection.

Either way, we have a solution for you—landscape gardening.

Landscaping is the perfect way for you to take your mind off your husband’s sudden demise and re-emergence into the world as an undead shuffling monster.

You can even get your zombie husband involved!

Get the lawnmower going, stuck a human brain on the front, and he’ll shove the thing around in aimless pursuit of the brains.

Try to source some human brains from somewhere (check your meat aisle at the local supermarket, or ask at your local butcher—if they deny they have human brains on the premises accuse them of lying).

Generally, we do think you should look on the bright side here. Your husband sounds like he’s no longer a pain in the arse, plus you can get him to complete mundane chores without complaining all the time. Bonus!


    • Cows are, indeed, smarter than the average human being. And having just watched Last of Us and its brand of zombies, I wish the entire show contained nothing but cows mooing. And it be called Last of Cows (Moo). It should also star Arnold Schwarzenegger… and not Pedro Pascal.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve only watched 1 episode, and I already agree.
        Arnie is expensive, but they could have CGI’d him in, and paid for voice overs.
        Would that be regular cows, or zombie cows.
        SO…. I guess TLOU it’s not worthy of an EMMY nomination?

        Liked by 1 person

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