There’s a time in any human male’s life when he feels the need to live without a bed frame. Indeed, the life of a bachelor is beholden to a mattress on the floor.

“That’s all I need, me!” He chortles whilst sleeping on the floor LIKE A BLOODY TRAMP! His hypermasculine drive making him do a big silly billy on this one.

As a human female dating this thing (the man, not the mattress), you may wonder how to end this bizarre state of affairs. We’re here to help!

When a Man Sleeps on a Mattress On the Floor

Dear agony aunt. I'm Abby, 22, and I have my own bed frame. That's important to establish very early on here because it's a great bed frame and my mattress sits on it perfectly and it's a comfy night of sleep.

Do you wanna know who doesn't have a bed frame?!?

My no good, no bed frame, mattress on the floor sleeping boyfriend! LITERALLY! He's got this small flat in Bognor Regis and right in the centre of the floor there's this mattress and that's where he sleeps. It's got food stains on it and I think there are bed bugs AND fleas living in the thing. He calls them his "tenants" and how he's planning to charge them for staying... I don't appreciate this type of humour.

ESPCIALLY when I have to come round to his flat and he expects me to STAY THE NIGHT. Is he insane?! Like I'm gonna canoodle on that thing, on a MATTRESS on the FLOOR!

I said to him, "Johnny... I've got this idea for storage space for you that ensures you don't look like a dickhead."

And he says, "Babe, that's real mean... but okay, what is it?"

And I say, "Buy a bed frame."

He spent the next 48 hours sulking. LITERALLY! He didn't speak to me for the next 48 hours, he just sat in the middle of the mattress, sulked, drank beer, ate Pot Noodles, and deliberately kept splattering Pot Noodle juice onto his mattress. Just as a snide dig at me and I kept telling him, "Johnny, you're spilling Pot Noodle juice on the mattress..." and he would then splash a bit more on and passive-aggressively stare at me. So I said to him, "Johnny, I'm not canoodling with you on that thing tonight. No chance." And he just muttered "frigid bitch..." under his breath and spilled more Pot Noodle juice onto the mattress. The next day a rat had moved into the flat and lives in one of the discarded Pot Noodle tubs. Johnny has called the rat Johnny Jnr.

If he thinks I'm going to marry him (Johnny, my boyfriend, not the rat) I think he's quite sadly mistaken right now.

Oh and his refusal to get a bed frame isn't a cost thing. He earns a decent wage and has no problem burning through £200 of beer money a month. And he just bought a PlayStation 5. And he's off on holiday to Ibiza over the summer. But he still says, "Babe, I can't afford a bed frame."

I said to him, "Dude! I can show you a bed frame online that's £40!" He's not having it. Whenever I mention the affordability of a bed frame, out come the instant noodles and his mattress gets sodden with instant noodle juice.

Meanwhile, in my flat, there's a lovely comfy bed frame with mattress on it and I sleep sound and happy on it.

And that's when the matter came to a head. Johnny visited yesterday and ACTUALLY TOOK MY MATTRESS OFF THE BED FRAME AND PUT IT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR!!! My jaw hit the floor. I stormed over, grabbed the mattress, and heaved it back to the bedroom to put it back on the bed. Johnny followed me, then yanked the mattress back OFF the bed and back INTO the living room. He shoved it onto the floor and climbed on, then said, "Cook me a Pot Noodle, babe!" with this smug little grin on his STUPID face. My high-pitched screams of abuse at him got the neighbours to call the police for domestic unrest.

This is ruining our marriage! We're not even married yet, but we're already divorced in my eyes unless he quits with this bed frame denial! What do I do?! Yours, Abby

Hi there, Abby. Bed frame denial is a tragic reality of human males who’ve grown up in an era of feminism. In Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex (1949), she noted:

“He is the Subject; he is the Absolute. She is the Other.”

In Simon da Benchpresser’s The Mattress King (2023), he noted:

“The mattress is the final, true bastion of male life unafflicted by The Feminism. If a man wishes to express himself in the hard-left communist state in which western society now is, he must effectively live in squalor on a mattress on the floor. Was it not Diogenes who lived in a barrel? It was. For he saw the manly worth of barrels. Now, modern life equivalent for barrels are (and is) mattresses.

The real man must find solace in his mattress. He should explore its every sequence of stitching and comprehend how this item is his Throne.

With great splendour, the man can prostrate himself over his Throne and own this piece of land as master of his own Universe.”

By the sounds of it, Johnny has been reading into some alpha male literature and views his mattress as his Throne.

There are two ways around this:

1. Leave him to it.
2. Dump his arse.
3. Buy him a proper throne, like that one from Game of Thrones.

Okay, so that was three things. Ultimately, just remember a mattress is no reason to end a relationship. The instant noodle juice, however, most definitely is and we think you need to find a man who, at the very least, owns a hammock.