Proudly sponsored by Ibex Insurance Ltd., I’m Jenny the Jelly Encased Lawyer—the world’s ONLY lawyer fully encased in a vat of jelly!
Whether you’ve just ram-raided an off-licence or blown up your home with a stick of TNT, I’m on-hand with award-losing legal advice to clear your name.
Jelly-Based Legal Advice for Hardened Criminals and Layabouts 🍮
I’m highly skilled in providing legal advice on the following:
- Family & matrimonial
- Litigation
- Conveyancing
- Wills/probate/power of attorney
- Commercial
- Employment
- Jelly
- Jellyfish
For example, if you’ve been stung by a jellyfish at some point over the last 12 months I can help you sue the shit out of that wobbly bastard!
However, I’m also perfectly adept at things such as supporting you through your murder court case. Whether you’re guilty or not you sick, disgraceful heathen of a man, you’ll get my full support because I get paid lots of money to do so.
Whatever your issue, my upfront consultation fee is £300.
From therein I charge £100 an hour and, no, you CANNOT touch my jelly encasement during any of our confidential meetings. Or else!
Jenny’s Jelly Specialism
During your meetings with me, you may notice I am encased in a vat of jelly. Please be aware:
- Yes, I am aware of my predicament.
- No, I do not let it influence my decision making.
- For the love of God, keep your grubby kids away from me!
As a lawyer I wish you to feel as at home as humanly possible whilst I surface act my way through day-to-day life.
So, kindly refrain from eating any of the jelly. It is my property and I will sue you should you decide to have a snack.
Frequently Asked Questions
For all your jelly-based legal needs, here’s Jenny with responses to some FAQs about her award-losing and muffled service.
Why are you encased in a vat of jelly?
Mind your own GODDAMN business!!!
Yikes… okay. Well, the problem is I can barely hear you when you talk (because of all the jelly). What can I do about this? This legal advice is essential otherwise I may go to prison!
Here at Jenny the Jelly Encased Lawyer, I provide an on-site translating specialist skilled in comprehending the muffled gibberish I spout from within my jelly-based sarcophagus.
This individual, as poorly paid as he/she is, will help you to understand what the hell I’m banging on about.
Why is there ALWAYS jelly covering the legal documents you hand back to me? This is compromising my case!
Here at Jenny the Jelly Encased Lawyer, I cannot be held legally responsible for any strawberry jelly that stains your documents.
If you have an issue with the jelly, please speak to your local dry cleaners.
Why do you keep jellyfish in tanks around your office!? It’s terrifying!
Because it’s on-brand.
I lost my case because of you! The judge IMMEDIATELY ruled contempt of court because you’re in a vat of jelly. I want compensation and my money back!
I’m sorry, but this is an FAQs section. What you just posed to me IS NOT a question. Therefore, I will be incapable of responding to your issue.
