Any office has an idiot as an employee. Some employers like you specifically hire people to behave in a purely idiotic fashion, then inexplicably promote these individuals to high earning roles as they continuously screw up everything around them.

There’s no rhyme or reason to that strategy. It’s just all part of the big beautiful business world, where equality is overwhelming and wage disparity a thing of the past!

Join us today to hire your very own office idiot. The benefits of doing so are vast, including having someone around who at all times makes you appear like an unprecedented genius.

Employment Laws Regarding Office Idiots

The Office Idiots at Work Act 1974 legislates this matter. It was complemented by The Dunning-Kruger Effect at Work Act 2010 in 2010 (as that was the year it was launched, the year before 2011).

These Acts indicate that it’s fine for your business to hire idiots, with the definition of idiocy in The Office Idiots at Work Act 1974 on page 431, section 55 (d), of 13,451:

“Idiotic employees will likely be drooling, already wearing a dunce cap having been recently fired from their previous role, and will be incompetent. They will expect a higher wage than market value, which you should immediately bequeath to them in their employment contract for an inexplicable reason.”

Once you’ve hired your office idiot you’ll need to get the janitor to wipe all the drool out of the meeting room.

The individual will then begin work at a pre-determined date. They’ll likely make an error and begin earlier or later than intended, for which you should give them an instant pay rise for their sense of initiative.

This’ll outrage your competent employees who aren’t earning nearly as much. Give them pay cuts for their impertinence.

Inducting Your Office Idiot Into the Workplace

Do note, the first day for your office idiot (whether it starts early or late) will include various calamities, such as:

• Saying something stupid and inappropriate to colleagues.
• Setting your canteen on fire when making a cup of coffee.
• Forgetting their password to their computer and requiring it to be reset by IT.
• Instantly forgetting the reset password and requiring IT to reset it and write down the password on a piece of paper.
• Gossiping with wild abandon, regardless of the implications.
• Forgetting to turn their computer off at the end of their shift.
• Demolishing a wall (i.e. company property) when driving away from your premises.

There may be many other instances of purely idiotic behaviour, all of which you should champion as the hallmark of employee excellence.

To encourage it, your induction day can include an official company dunce cap for the employee to proudly wear around the office.

You should also introduce the office idiot to his/her colleagues, the company software you use, and where the toilets are.

Do note, it’s highly likely the office idiot will clog the toilet on their first day at work. Again, this should be rewarded with either a promotion or pay rise.

Training Your Employees to Deal With the Office Idiot

Your other members of staff may be baffled as to why you’ve hired someone so incompetent. Keep your ulterior motives to yourself and ignore any prying questions about the individual’s suitability for the role.

Instead, train them into understanding how to interact with someone labouring under the Dunning-Kruger effect. The best tactics include:

• Appropriate wording: Using small words instead of big ones (such as “the” instead of “pulchritudinous”).
• Choose empathy: Take a simpering and sycophantic approach, agreeing with everything the office idiot has to say. This may well become mandatory when they’re, inevitably, promoted to a position of higher management.
• Stare into the middle-distance: The grey zone around the foreground and background is your smarter employees’ friend. The harder they stare at it, the less things will matter.
• General avoidance: Staff can just steer well clear of the stupid. Choose a wide berth and veer around the drooling one.
• Quit: If all else fails, disgruntled employees can hand in their notice and leave your business. This is actually a superb development, as it means you’ll be able to hire more imbeciles.

Ideally, you’ll want your training to fail so that employees become frustrated and quit in droves. This way, you can fill your organisation with braindead yes men/women.

With these installed around you, you’ll never have your authority questioned again! And that can really pump up your ego.

Do note, however, there will be a surplus of drool in your office environment due to the continuous dribbling of less intelligent members of staff.

To handle this development, you can hire another janitor to help mop up all the saliva. Just make sure he/she is another dumbo. This way, the proliferation of stupid will become a company-wide issue of your genius making.