Welcome to 2024, gentlemen! It’s your opportunity to find yourself a fantastic human female to date! By which we mean Medusa. Yes, she’s in there and available! She told us:

“I’m seeking men… TO TURN THEM INTO STONE! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!”

We had to remind her that, under our Lonely Hearts guidelines, no one is allowed to turn anyone else into stone. She’s since promised not to. That’s okay, then!

But if you’re looking for men seeking women in 2024, then check out our other lonely hearts column If not, on with the snakes!

Lonely Hearts Dating 2024: Find Your Dame

Gentlemen! Here they all are, the highly desirable batch of human females who wish to portray themselves here for your interests.

Choose, date, and then marry! It is the natural order of things (in a, kind of, moronically predictable conservative traditionalist sense).

#Box 1: Medusa (aka Gorgo), Age Unknown, Location Unknown

• Hobbies: Turning men into stone
• Ambitions: To find a suitable shampoo and conditioner for my writhing mass of venomous snake hair
• Looking for: Eternal life and the devastation of the Universe

How you doing? Well, I’m Medusa. Or Gorgo (Gorgy to my friends) and I’m looking for a steady stream of men to date so I can turn them into stone.

Relationship counsellors have said this is a serious problem I have, but I prefer to view it as my emancipation as a woman! No man tells me what to do! If they piss me off, I just turn them into stone.

This is all part of my wider world domination plan, which should result in the destruction of most of the Universe (within the next 20 years or so). Hit me up… but NO dick pics!

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#Box 2: Bonkers Bonnie, 23, London

• Hobbies: Being totally BONKERS
• Ambitions: To be the most bonkers woman in the UK
• Looking for: Ways to step up my bonkers game (without the use of drugs)

Hey there guys, I’m Bonkers Bonnie and I’m a bit on the bonkers side of things! A real character, as everyone says, but not at all in an annoying way no siree don’t you worry about that! I TONE IT DOWN A GREAT DEAL ONCE I GET HOME!!!

BUT JUST BE PREPARED FOR ME TO BE VERY LOUD INDEED DURING OUR DATE, WITH CACKLING AND CRAZY LAUGHTER FOR YOUR TERRIBLE JOKES!

HAHAHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! HHAHAHAHHAH! HAHAHAHAHAH! AHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA!

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#Box 3: Isabelle the Ironic, 39, London

• Hobbies: Irony
• Ambitions: To become the most ironic human being on Earth
• Looking for: Irony victims to sarcasm into submission

Hi I’m Isabella the Ironic, one of the most sarcastic women in England. The most ironic thing I’m doing right now is joining this lonely hearts column when I don’t actually want to date anyone. How ironic is that!?

I work as a lifeguard at the local leisure centre, but guess what!? I’m afraid of water and… I can’t swim! Double whammy!

If you date me such ironic joys are part and parcel of everyday life. I’ll watch fire stations burn down and make pithy quips and generally just be a sarcastic annoyance 24/7. I’ll break you within weeks and you’ll be a blubbering mess for me to control for life. Hahaha.

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#Box 4: Dickhead Deirdre, 45, Manchester

• Hobbies: Being a dickhead
• Ambitions: Dickheadery
• Looking for: A nice guy to marry

Me again. Dickhead Deirdre. Another year, another 12 months of singledom. My mother says it’s down to me being a dickhead and I can’t fault her logic. I really am just the most detestable tosser imaginable!

Not that I’m ever going to address these concerns. I am me.

Instead, I’ve hit the gym and now boast a ripped figure and I’m ready to bag me a Brad Pitt. THE Brad Pitt, if he’s available. Hit me up, bellends!

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#Box 5: Erroneous Emma, 19, East Ham

• Hobbies: Being wrong about everything
• Ambitions: To be right about something JUST ONCE!
• Looking for: A know-it-all so I can learn

Hello I’m Emma and I’m wrong about a lot of things and it’s starting to get on my nerves a bit. Like, at pub quizzes I’m the one who never gets anything right. I once thought London was in Barbados. People laugh at me and I get sad…

That’s until I LASH OUT with my mighty fists and lamp them one!

Problem with that is it’s often landing me in court for assault charges. So, I need a know-it-all boyfriend who’ll talk down to me and teach me about things. Hit me up!

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#Box 6: Monologue Mary, 45, Lancaster

• Hobbies: Prolixity
• Ambitions: To talk continuously in the longest monologue in history (also, to marry and have 35 babies)
• Looking for: Marriage… not that I’m desperate, but I can get a little clingy and verbose

My friends say I need to calm down a bit, but I think it’s the PERFECT dating combination! Men should be hurling themselves at me! I offer:

1. Incoherent rambling in monologues that can continue for half a day.
2. Desperation in my dating pursuits and relentless messages and clingy behaviour.

What more could a man want? As for my ranting, that’s about many and varied things, from world wars to ancient history or skid marks on underpants. Weird? Maybe, but you’ll NEVER ever be bored chatting with me! Not that you’ll be able to get a word in edgeways, but there you go. It is the beauty of my.

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#Box 7: Susan the Sociopath, 52, Glasgow

• Hobbies: Interrupting people while claiming I know what they’re going to say next
• Ambitions: To annoy the hell out of men
• Looking for: Pathetic losers to string along and ditch

Hi there I’m Imelda and I’m a sociopath. My conversation is all about me and if you talk I’ll just interrupt you have three seconds. That’s due to my superior intelligence and how I know what you’re about to say next, thus I want to speed the conversation along.

Of course, if you know what I’m about to say next that’s NONSENSE. I’m too intelligent for you to understand that.

Just sit patiently and quietly and let me RANT for ages and then agree with whatever horseshit I’ve uttered. This is how our relationship shall work, until I bore of you and ditch your ass for another loser to dominate.

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#Box 8: Sneaky Sandra, 75, Bolton of Greater Manchester

• Hobbies: Being sneaky
• Ambitions: To sneak
• Looking for: Men to be sneaky around

GENTLEMEN! I am Sneaky Sandra, the sneakiest lady of the land!

With stealth mode enabled I am truly one of a kind. You need not fear me; more, distrust from a distance and wonder how such a seemingly innocuous older lady can be so nefarious. So dastardly! So utterly, utterly sly and devious and prone to sneaky fits of laughter like Muttley the dog.

For example, on our date I may point at a pretty bird in a nearby tree. You’ll turn to look at the aforementioned bird, but upon turning back to me… I SHALL BE GONE!!!

I shall have sneaked off out of there, taking your wallet and grandad jumper in the process (which I’ll sell on eBay, it’s just a side hustle I’ve got going on). But I will leave my calling card of SNEAKY SANDRA so you know you’ve been SNEAKED.

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#Box 9: Conservative Claire, 65, Kent

• Hobbies: Being conservative, complaining about snowflakes and the woke mob, getting outraged about inane stuff in direct contradiction to my previous point, having a hissy fit because Quality Street chocolates now use recyclable paper wrappers instead of the ultra-polluting plastic sheets of The Good Old Days
• Ambitions: To bring down Marxists infecting society with their filth
• Looking for: A Tory MP

One is named Claire and one is seeking a Conservative, God-fearing gentleman (preferably a wealthy Tory MP with many acres of land) to discuss everything wrong with society (i.e. socialism) and how to restore order to Great Britain and Make Britain Great Again (MBGA).

Just this Christmas, one was DISGUSTED and APPALLED to discover Quality Street chocolate tins now use REYCLABLE PAPER wrappers on the individual chocolate pieces! This is further indication THE WOKE MOB and MARXISM are destroying all that is good and pure about ENGLAND.

Meet me for a date so we can become hysterical about these innocuous matters whilst totally ignoring actual problems facing society. Regards, Claire the Conservative

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#Box 10: Podcasting Pam, 35, London

• Hobbies: Podcasts
• Ambitions: To podcast myself to death!
• Looking for: Guests for my various podcasts

Hi there, men! I’m Pam and I’m addicted to podcasts and podcasts. I run 75 podcasts and spend 24/7 (fuelled by cocaine and energy drinks) podcasting the bejeezus out of myself!

I’m looking for hot dates with hot guys, with the ulterior motive of eventually using you as a guest on a podcast before ditching you with a flimsy reason.

BUT IT’S OKAY! I’m hot (like a 9/10 at least) and you’ll enjoy just staring at me as I rant largely coherently about my podcasting schedule. So, if you’re a superficial kinda guy we’ll get on just swell for the brief period in which I invade your life.