Mr. Wapojif

Agony Aunt: “Husband is addicted to buying sofas!” 🛋️

Sofa buying addiction

Sofas are great and without them life would be listless and painful. There’d be almost nowhere to sit! And that’d be a tragedy.

But some people take their love for sofas way too far (as is also the case with other highfalutin illnesses such as picnic addiction).

When it becomes an addiction it destroys lives, tears families apart, and makes many a good sofa homeless. Here’s how to rectify this abhorrent state of affairs.

Sofa Addiction: There’s Nothing Comfortable About This Affliction

Hello. My husband Roderick keeps buying sofas! This is an extreme, hellish, nightmarish journey we’ve been on together. One where I’ve seen him plunge into the darkest depths any man could ever possibly plunge! Where he’s been blubbing soul-destroyed tears of anguish just because his latest favourite sofa won’t be delivered by the delivery men until the following week (he doesn’t realise ordering on a Sunday is a no-go). And I’ve had to watch on, usually in disgust, as the latest sofa turns up with an array of cushions and I wonder to myself… THAT MONEY WAS FOR A PROPERTY IN THE SOUTH OF SPAIN! Now where’s it al gone? On the 45 sofas he’s gone and bought! We haven’t even got room for all of them, 20 are out stacked up like a game of Tetris in the rear garden. Front garden? A further 10. The rest? Edged into random corners in the rooms of our small mid-sized semi-detached house.

CHRIST! Sorry, that’s blasphemy and I’m religious. That was wrong.

You can see my frustration, though? How many sofas does one man need!? I’ve addressed my concerns with Roderick, who’s 55 next week, and he insists the sofas are foe “the good of the family, you silly woman!” We’ve exchanged stern words about this, I can assure you that! Me and my friends have discussed it, too, and one of them, Mary, has said it’s even more embarrassing a problem then her husband’s chronic alcoholism. I agree! It is more embarrassing! I fear should the whole village where I live here in Thame, Oxfordshire, discover this unfortunate reality we’ll be laughed out of the region.

I beseech you, Agony Aunt, please save our marriage!

Yours, Henrietta

How’s it going, Henrietta? Never mind the sofas he’s buying, our concern is the way you’re stacking them up out back.

This isn’t a game of Jenga. It isn’t Tetris. They’re sofas and they’re for life, not just some foolish spending spree one bloke is heading off on for his dithering wife to then chuck out into the garden.

So, never mind beseeching us anything! We beseech you, Henrietta, to follow the below sofa etiquette guide to restore order.

Fundamental Sofa Etiquette for an Orderly Household

Okay, Henrietta, time to get your act together! Here are the basic rules to follow when dealing with sofas:

  • DO NOT PLACE THEM OUTSIDE! EVER! It’s pure madness that you have done!
  • Place all sofas indoors at all times.
  • Sit on the sofas—do not stand on them.
  • If necessary, genuflect on the sofa.

That’s it. That’s all you need to adhere to. No sticking them outside in the garden to soak up the rain. No creating human rights breaches with your actions.

Get your act together, Henrietta. Sort your shit out! Cheers.

36 comments

Leave a reply to Mr. Wapojif Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.