Even communist horror pales in comparison to the threat of balloons in your workplace. Flexible membranes that can be inflated with gas pose a greater threat to your success than any other concept or individual imaginable.

Not only can they explode with the force of a balloon, their capacity to distract your employees knows no bounds. Entire days can be lost as employees laugh, giggle, and frolic with balloons in the workplace.

As such, it’s good business practice to ensure balloons are banned from your business forever (with no exceptions, except maybe for the Christmas party).

In this guide, we explore how you can POP the balloon bubble to ensure MAXIMUM PRODUCTIVITY at all times.

Ending Inflation: When One Balloon is a Balloon Too Many

The Balloons at Work Act 1974 regulates balloons in the workplace. On page 1,123 of 65,762 in section 12 (f) there’s a savage indictment of the inflatable objects of joy:

“Balloons are NOT inflatable objects of joy. They represent the nadir of society. They inculcate disease, horror, mayhem, and the absconding of society’s bedrock – working hard WITHOUT any distractions.

It is said Stalin would sleep in a giant bed with 135 freshly inflated communist red balloons. This is disgusting.”

The Act states it’s perfectly acceptable to punish any employees who bring balloons into the workplace. Instant dismissal is one such option.

Additionally, if your managers decide to inflate balloons at work, for example to celebrate a special occasion or someone’s birthday, this is punishable by detonating the offending manager’s garden shed.

This law has been branded “archaic” by modern standards. Nevertheless, it’s your duty of care as an employer to ensure you blow to smithereens any garden sheds of offending managers. It’s for the good of democracy.

The problems with balloons in the workplace

If you’re currently reading this guide open-mouthed in contempt at what is being stated, then you’re an enemy of the state. This is because balloons are a distraction.

Not just that, but myriad other life-threatening issues await should even ONE balloon be in your office (or workplace, such as in a sewer):

• Distractions (again, this needs highlighting, reinforcing, and repeating).
• Fun and enjoyment (should not be allowed at work).
• Choking hazard! One balloon could asphyxiate your entire workforce if it goes off!
• Static electricity shocks can kill anyone mercilessly in an instant.
• Popping balloons could also shock staff members to death, perforate eardrums, or cause widespread panic as they believe WWIII is commencing.
• Tripping hazard—many balloons everywhere can result in horrifying, bone-crunching accidents aplenty.

In other words, balloons are pure evil and you must not tolerate them. Ever. Not convinced? Here’s a terrifying case study.

Case Study: The Balloon That Tanked a Previously Successful Small Business Sob Story Alert 😭

This is the case of Kevin the Estate Agent Owner Breaching Pertinent Balloon Laws 1995.

The year was 1995. The setting was Bolton of Greater Manchester. Kevin (not his real name) ran an estate agency business.

To celebrate renting out a dingy old flat that had been on the market for years at £500 p/m (bills not included, no pets), Kevin decided to celebrate. He brought in some balloons, asked his receptionist “blow them up”, and he awaited joyous results.

Unfortunately, the receptionist Doreen (not her real name) is autistic and takes everything literally. As such, she did indeed blow up the balloons with a stockpile of dynamite she procured from the black market.

The explosion demolished the property and singed everyone’s eyebrows off.

Local law enforcement investigated the explosion, arrested Kevin, and he remains in jail to this day for breaching The Balloons at Work Act 1974.

The Employment Law Implications Should a Balloon Pop During Working Hours

Ever Kevin the Estate Agent Owner Breaching Pertinent Balloon Laws 1995, it’s become customary for businesses to remain wary of balloons at work.

This is due to their capricious nature. Balloons can go:

• Bang.
• Pop.
• KABOOM!!!!! 🧨🔥

If any of these happen you’re in some serious shit, matey. Lawyer up! Brace yourself for:

• Panicked employees running around in a state as they shriek hysterically.
• Employment tribunals as far as the eye can see.
• Furious law enforcement officers arriving to point fingers accusingly at you.
• Global condemnation.
• Bankruptcy and liquidation.
• Seizure of your assets.
• Homelessness.
• Living in a ditch covered in mud as an abject societal failure.

All because of balloons. To avoid such a fate, the following governmental motto is used to discourage businesses from inflating anything during working hours.

“Blowing up balloons? Expect your doom!”

There. You’ve been told. That’s scarier than any of those 1970s public information shorts, that is.

The slogan is set on a poster with an image of near-nuclear devastation in the background behind the hero message. Whilst some critics have suggested the message is draconian, what the bloody hell do critics know?

Other Ways to Celebrate at Work (minus any bloody balloons)

As delightful balloons are now banned from your life, don’t be too down and out. Instead, you should focus on alternative ways to celebrate at work.

We can highly recommend total and utter drunken abandon in the office. It encourages camaraderie and bonding between colleagues whom, the rest of the time, probably goddamn detest each other.

Other ways to celebrate include polite clapping.

And that’s about it. Thus, all of your future business endeavours, successes, and whatever else, can result in colleagues briefly clapping politely for 20 seconds or so.

Then it’s back to work! No balloons. No frivolity (unless you’re all really drunk). No brightly coloured inflatable objects. And that includes lilos!