The baked beans bazooka (BBB) isn’t a weapon of mass destruction. It isn’t intended for warfare. It’s intended for the even distribution of baked beans across society.
As expedience is a priority in this day and age of 24/7 rat race stuff, we’ve figured the best way to distribute baked beans is through fast-paced explosions.
This is where the BBB comes in. As such, we’ve designed various prototypes of the BBB and are now looking for backing from an insane billionaire who trashes his obscene wealth on pointless technology such as this.
The Baked Beans Bazooka: A Weapon of Delicious Hope
In these difficult times, it’s important to eat baked beans. Now that’ll be easier than ever when a 6.65 megajoules of explosive energy sends baked beans in your direction.
That’s because the baked beans bazooka is custom made to ensure baked beans arrive in your face faster than the speed of sound. These weapons:
- Fire only the very best baked bean produce.
- Disseminate the aforementioned produce over wide areas at alarming rates.
- Will ensure no one every goes hungry again!
Not wishing to sound arrogant, but with this mental rocket launcher majigger we believe we’ve cured world hunger. And it was easy for us! That’s how superior we are to everyone else!
Granted, the above is more of a cannon than a bazooka. We’ve got that covered (in baked beans) with this concept of an actual baked bean bazooka.
Unquestionably, the masses would run to a gun-toting individual such as this to get access to baked beans. Which they would receive at speeds of up to 343 m/s (1,130 ft/s or 770 mph or 1,230 km/h).
Now that truly is fast food. A revolution awaits!
Artist’s Impression of an Anti-Baked Beans Bazooka Woke Mob Protest
The downside to this amazing invention? You can GUARANTEE the WOKE MOB will be all over this like a nasty rash you have to itch every 10 seconds.
As such, we’ve got an artist’s impression of what the, aforementioned, protests will look like. Look at those disgusting, gun-toting (for some reason) hippies above!
Look at that atrocious spelling on their STUPID protest signs! They’re too stoned to even spell anything properly. IDIOTS!
The pacifist left!? Tish and pish, such rampaging hypocrisy makes us hungry and vengeful!
Introducing the Riot Control Baked Beans Cannon
As you can see, the above three riot control cannons would be superb for disseminating pesky hippies back to the ditch they live in.
We’re just waiting on that insane billionaire, then we’ll go ahead with construction across all three. These contraptions will be notable for:
- Firing baked beans at incredible velocity.
- Forcing leftists into work to actually contribute to society for once.
You may wonder how these riot control cannons differ from the baked beans bazooka listed further above.
The short answer is they don’t.
The naming and product explanations just makes one sound like it’s for the good of the country, whilst the other makes it appear like it’s also for the good of the country (just in a different way).
We’re offer total business transparency on that one! Namely as the constant explosions and bean juice has made us a bit unstable and foolhardy. Oh, and check out this product slogan:
Buy today! Baked beans are only a gunshot away!
