As we’ve covered before with trying to remain calm in the workplace, it’s often impossible to control yourself from obscene outbursts at halfwit employees.
Your employees, in turn, may also struggle to control themselves from lashing out at their colleagues. This vicious cycle of profanity can lead to a toxic working environment, which is bad because that’s a bit like the radioactive fallout from Chernobyl (but without everyone’s skin peeling off).
Anyway, if you want to keep swearing to a minimum during working hours then it’s good business practice to fucking well read this guide, matey!
The When, How, Why, and Where of Swearing at Colleagues and/or Managers in the Workplace
All of the many Acts regarding this matter were consolidated into The Swearing at Work Act 1974. This maintains the following Acts within the one Super Act:
- The F Bombs at Work Act 1974
- The Announcing “Bloody Hell!” at Work Act 1974
- The Muttering Swear Words Under Your Breath at Work Act 1974
- The Use of Polite British Profanity (i.e. Drat) at Work Act 1974
The Swearing at Work Act 1974 states in section 37 (a) on page 34,531 of 134,213 that:
“While it is good business practice for a CEO to swear at employees, it is NOT good business practice for employees to swear back at a CEO. This is due to the inherent superiority of a CEO over the rest of mankind.
As such you may, for example, feel inclined to have a bad tempered rage and take it out on an employee by shouting, “YOU ABSOLUTELY USELESS PIECE OF SHITE! I’M GOING TO DEMOTE YOU AND GIVE YOU AN INSTANT PAY CUT, YOU FREELOADING SWINE OF AN EMPLOYEE, YOU!”
The employee you have just verbally abused may then respond by saying, “That’s really mean, you twat!”
This is when you can come down on that subordinate SOB and their pathetic wage package with all the might of the employment law world. Hanging, drawing, and quartering was a viable punishment until 1870 (when it was abolished by THE WOKE MOB), so you will likely have to settle for something such as a disciplinary hearing.
While this is humiliating for the employee in question, and will teach them what for, it perhaps will not slake the wanton bloodthirsty desires you harbour as a power crazed business type intent on fortune, power, status, and the opportunity to boss people about a bit with a smug sense of inherent superiority.”
In general, it’s good business practice to be aware of what the good business practice is regarding good business practice.
With regard to swearing at work, maybe try to keep things civil. That’s just a suggestion and you can what you want, really, but remember employees are moronic and fickle things prone to emotional breakdowns if you berate them with a barrage of disgusting abuse.
Common Swear Words in the Workplace
It’s the sad reality of the modern capitalist world people are so soft. So, perhaps choose your profanity carefully to limit the potential for annoying waterworks.
Below is a list of less draconian swearing you, the employer, can engage it with a limited likelihood of legal action (do note, however, that use of the below may still result in an employment tribunal that leaves you feeling really narked off):
- Drat!
- Darn!
- Blast!
- Rotter!
- Fuddy-duddy!
- Bloody hell!
- Cripes!
- Balderdash!
- Dagnabbit!
- Holy cow!
- Pillock!
- Gosh!
- Poo on a stick!
To demonstrate how to use these effectively, we’ll now provide two example templates of an abusive workplace email.
One of the below is correct. One of the below is wrong. Get yourself a cucumber sandwich as a reward if you can guess correctly.
Profane email template 1
Dear bastard of an employee,
You utter piece of crap! This work you handed in for me to “review” makes me want to puke! I take an enormous dump over its inadequacies, you pathetic son of a bitch, and I question the sanity of the hiring manager who decided to hire you. What a total prick!
I send this back to you now, you shit for brains, and expect an inordinate amount of improvements on it next time you send it over. IF IT DOES NOT MEET MY LOFTY STANDARDS (you dickhead), I SHALL FIRE YOU ON THE SPOT! YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD! Wanker.
Yours,
The CEO
Profane email template 2
Salutations formerly worthwhile employee turned poo on a stick,
What is this balderdash work you sent me for inspection? Dagnabbit, the quality is to such a low standard it made me announce loudly, “Holy cow!” This, in turn, offended my highly religious wife who just so happened to be in the room at the time and now she is refusing to speak to me due to my blasphemous outburst! I have promised to make up for it tonight by taking her for a spin in my Rolls Royce, one of several superb elite vehicles in my portfolio.
Anyway, and bloody hell, I am most dissatisfied by this, you rotter! You are an utter fuddy-duddy and a pillock! Sort this out posthaste or face the wrath of myself, a man not normally prone to demented outbursts, but on this occasion I may well have to resort to using “Drat!” on various nefarious occasions.
Yours,
The CEO
The Correct Answer: Profane Email Template 1
If you guessed answer one then you have won yourself a one-way ticket to an excellent cucumber sandwich (with crusts)! This is because it features swearing that someone may actually consider offensive.
Whereas the second profile email template features the pompous rambling of someone hopelessly out of touch with reality.
Plus, polite swear words with all the menace of a hamster chewing on a carrot.
Introduce Your Profanity Policy Today 🖕
It’s good business practice to have a profanity police for your employees to use. Keep this in your company handbook and thrust it into the face of any enquiring member of staff.
The policy should outline:
- What swear words you allow.
- The consequences for using more offensive swear words.
- Your stance on rude hand gestures (e.g. 🖕).
For example, an employee may use a middle finger (🖕) in an attempt to circumvent your business’ draconian block on certain obscene words.
By outlining you don’t allow for one or two-fingered salutes, you can ensure a friendly and welcoming working environment where only you, the boss, get to rage at people in capricious fashion.
