With mullets making a comeback in the world of human male hairdos, as an employer you may have grave concerns over this development.

Indeed, you may be watching on as employees arrive wearing mullets on YOUR premises and oh my days you’re starting to panic about it.

That’s because it’s every bit as heinous as other immoral sins (including eating apples at work).

Rightly so. As mullet wearing at work can lead to screams of terror from non-mullet wearing employees and the unsightly view of the, aforementioned, mullets can cause widespread societal panic. The result? Read our guide! It solves everything.

How to Cope With Mullets in the Workplace

There is currently NO employment law regulating the use of, and wearing of, mullets in the workplace. Whilst this may astonish you, the sad reality of the situation is The Mullets at Work Act 1974 was abolished in 1985 at the peak of the Eighties mullet frenzy.

After the decade ended, we guess no one could be bothered introducing an analogous law to cover off stupid hairdos at work.

You can, however, address mullets in your dress code policy. This can be included in your company handbook and make contain something such as:

“The growth of, and wearing therefore of, mullets at work would be strictly prohibited if employment laws allowed for it. As no such laws are in place, we strongly advise men to NOT grow a mullet. If you ignore this recommendation, you’ll be met with passive-aggressive behaviour in the office and will, generally, be treated like a piece of human shite.”

Therefore, and hence, it’s good business practice to treat mullet sporting employees like the pathetic lowlifes they most certainly are.

Mock them. Taunt them. Make them feel bad about themselves. Then pray to economics in their downtime they head to the barber to get a crew cut (or something) to get this thing over with.

Case Study: The Sad Story of Office Life in the ’80s

It’s not unfair to say the 1980s working life in offices was ruined by men sporting enormous mullets. One such example is with Andy’s Amazing Accountancy Ltd. from Bolton of Greater Manchester.

Established in 1975, by 1985 business was booming.

However, as the unstoppable mullet craze swept the world with bands such as Flock of Seagulls and Bon Jovi promoting stupid big hairdos, so did the mullet infiltrate the workplace. And, lo, it was bad for productivity.

Unfortunately, Andy’s Amazing Accountancy Ltd. was severely affected by all 13 of its male employees arriving to work wearing mullets.

Clients were so repulsed by this collective wearing of long hair at the back of the men’s necks they would flee the premises screaming. Sadly, this led to plunging profits, lay offs, and by 1988 Andy’s accountancy practice certainly was not amazing!

It had shut. Not only that, Andy then went to prison for tax fraud. Learn what you must from this cautionary tale.

Emergency Plan in the Event of Mass Mullet Adoption at Work

Should your workforce succumb to mindless peer pressure and all turn up to work sporting mullets, you’re in some serious shit there, matey.

Take a shot of Valium to control your panic attack.

Then tackle the problem head on. By which we mean knock out your employees by sticking sleeping gas in the ventilation system, then hire an emergency barber. They’ll turn up and shear the bejeezus out of those long back of neck hairdos and then all will be well.

When your employees come to, they’ll be mulletless and hopefully free from the nightmarish grip of managing and maintaining that type of hair style.

Although they’ll have a banging hangover from the sleeping gas, by the end of the day they’ll be sobbing uncontrollably in thanks to you for removing their fashion faux pas.

Conclusion: EXTERMINATE ALL WORKPLACE MULLETS

Having a mullet at work is like staff who eat during meetings—wrong, you know it is, they should know it is, and punishment is in order.

The only course of action is to exterminate the mullet. You can do this cost-effectively through the use of:

• Flame throwers
• Bazookas
• Chainsaws
• Several barbers drugged up on cocaine and energy drinks

Whatever it takes, get the mullet out. You don’t want that hair wafting about the place clogging up your business. Ignore those popular new business maxims such as:

“Mullets speak louder than words.”

And:

“The mullet is mightier than the sword.”

And:

“Work hard and you shall mullet.”

And:

“Diligence is the mullet of good fortune.”

Those are all stupid and wildly inaccurate! Prove your point with flamethrowers, explosions, screams of agony, and as-close-to-the-skull-as-possible crew cuts.

FOR KING AND COUNTRY! The mullet must die.