Some human males have a fixation on certain foods, such as pies and beer. Others go rogue. They’re mavericks. They head off into disturbing new territories the likes of which have never been seen.
These are the society builders. The ones whom get stuff done. The saviours of the free world!
As with today’s human male, whom eats nothing but ham and jam sandwiches. This hero will have statues named after him (not that his NAGGING wife will be happy about it).
When a Man Loves Ham and Jam Sandwiches
Dear agony aunt,
“It’s a great idea!” My husband shouted at me on 13th February 2022. He meant his lunch, which turned out to be a ham and jam sandwich. As he visibly attempted to hide his retching and need to hurl, he insisted it was a lovely lunch. Just to spite me. Now? Over two years later and he’s now eating ham and jam sandwiches for EVERY meal… I’m at a loss about this level of immaturity, stupidity, and whatever else is going on here with this churlish, childish man.
This is the list of health conditions his bizarre diet has brought on him:
- Kidney stones
- Gangrene
- Hypertension
- Delirium
- Excessive sweating
- Processed ham addiction
- Jam addiction
- Addiction
- Weird looks from staff in restaurants
That’s another thing, we can’t go out for a normal meal! Why? Because my husband just eats ham and jam sandwiches. For variation, sometimes he orders them as “jam and ham sandwiches”. He explains to me that this is because “variety is the spice of life, woman”.
He only ever eats the sandwiches on ultra-processed white bread (crusts removed) and t MUST be strawberry jam. No other type of jam is allowed.
As for the ham, that’s often a variety of types. As my husband puts its, “It doesn’t matter! If it’s pork, it squawks!” However, my husband spends a lot of his time unconscious due to chronic fatigue. His doctor told him to stop eating the sandwiches and get some proper nutrition. My husband refuses. As he puts it, “If I stop eating them, surgeons will lose their jobs! I’m singlehandedly saving the kidney stone removal industry here, dammit!”
The kids think he’s great because all he eats so much jam. I’ve lectured them that daddy is going to die horribly unless he rectifies his way and yet MUGGINS HERE is made out as the “evil” one! My daughter Susan said to me I’m a “big old meanie”. I sent her to her room without dinner! Later, my husband snuck upstairs with a ham and jam sandwich for her. How am I the enemy here!?
What should I do with this situation?!
Yours sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer—what a stupid man! Why the hell did you marry that imbecile? Foolish woman!
However, as we’ve taken our agony aunt oath we’re forced to assist you (in one way or another). Our recommendation is simple but clear—remove the ham.
As in, just let him eat jam sandwiches. That way he’ll get a taste for normal food again.
Then, gradually, you can wean him back onto stuff like beer and pizza again. Fatten the bastard up for Christmas, like, and then all you need to worry about is his blood pressure rate and cholesterol. Rather than the kidney stones and gangrene.
Although they’ll probably still be there with a vengeance. But your husband doesn’t seem the type of person who’d consider doing something sensible, such as eating a healthy and balanced diet of vegetables and lean proteins.
That’s his dumbass problem. And, yes, this does count as advice! Sorry if it’s useless for you, but we tried our best.
