Truly, eating food in bed is one of the most controversial topics known to humanity. Some human males, for examples, will consume up to 37 packets of crisps per night whilst slammed out in bed. For the woman in his (or her) life, this is worse than a meteorite slamming into the planet.

Thus, hence, and now… how does one control a human male’s desire to consume many fried foodstuffs while prone in bed?! Our guide could well save humanity just yet.

When a Man Lies in Bed Consuming Crisps

AGONY AUNT!

Help. Help me. HELP! My husband, disgusting man bloke that he is, consumes CRISPS IN BED. While you recover from the shock of that, know that while I type this out slamming my hands onto the keyboard I am in floods of tears and in danger of electrocution. MY MARRIAGE MUST NOT END BECAUSE OF CRISPS!

My husband is Henry. He likes cheese & onion flavour crisps. He eats 57  packets of them a day (sometimes 58) and he stinks out the place like a right bastard of a man.

He stinks bad. His breath stinks bad. He is more bag of cheese & onion crisps than man.

The problem is, when he’s eating them in bed, besides the obnoxious munching noises he makes while chewing with his mouth open these little bits of crisps go everywhere as well! Our bed is like a crisp platter and it’s difficult to sleep because at 3am I’ll wake up with a chunk of crisp digging into my backside.

Well, enough is enough! I said one night, “HENRY! NO MORE CRISPS IN BED!”

It’s been 2 weeks and he’s still not spoken to me! He’s “not sulking” as he briefly said to me, he’s just expressing his “rights as a man”. To annoy me further he’s UPPED his crisp consumption and is onto 100 packets a day now. The house is littered with a never-ending mass of empty packets of crisps. It’s a wonder we don’t have rats!

I’ve tried a few solutions to address this.

The first was to remove the bed and install a hammock. Did this work? No, he just lay on the floor and ate crisps. So, I got a water bed. Result? Still eating crisps. So, I burned the water bed to the ground and brought in a king size bed to keep him as far away from me as possible with his bloody crisps. That worked, but I can still hear his interminable MUNCHING ever from several feet away and bits of spittle still keep landing on me.

I’VE HAD IT!

This oaf either stops eating crisps I’m divorcing his fat hairy arse!

Yours, Mandy

Hi there, Mandy. It’s pretty clear the solution to your woes here is a BUNK BED. This’ll save your marriage. Think about it like this:

• He is in the bed with you, but isn’t really
• He has to endure his own crisp-based bed splatter alone
• BUNK BEDS!

Plus, you get to call top bunk! That’s living the dream right there, that is! Do it, Mandy. Whilst it may make you feel like a 12 year old, and also install an emotional barrier between you and your husband whereby intimacy goes out of the window, but the long-term damage of that is worth it in the short-term.

NO MORE CRISPS BITS! And… YOU GET TOP BUNK! It’s a win-win situation.