After our 2025 women seeking men lonely hearts fun and games, now it’s the geezers’ turns! We’ve got a most delightful selection of human females here to pick from.

All you have to do is find the one whom most resembles your dream partner, then drop us a message. We’ll get you two dreamboats in touch, so you can then go on a date and have a crushing reality check. Enjoy!

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Box 1: Dickhead Deirdre, 55, Magaluf

• Hobbies: Being a dickhead
• Ambitions: To be a bigger dickhead with each passing year
• Looking for: A vulnerable and dim-witted sap to manipulate

Hello. Me again. Dickhead Deirdre. Still trying dating, still single. I moved to Majorca last year to try and catch a clean break, because wherever I go everyone seems to think I’m goddamn horrible. The local government has had enough of me and ordered I move back to England so I’m taking up residence in Huddersfield when I get back in February.

The plan is to integrate myself back into British society there with my usual tactics of going around being a total jackass. It’s never failed me before. Well, except for my entire life, but this time I think it’ll work out for the best.

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Box 2: Cement Cindy, 56, Bolton

• Hobbies: Cement
• Ambitions: To own lots of cement
• Looking for: Builders

Hi I’m Cindy and I have a thing for collecting bags of cement. I currently have 35,000, most of which I have to illegally stash in an abandoned building just outside Bolton (no I’m not telling you which one, dickhead!). I’m looking to date builders so I can manipulate them into getting me more cement. I admit I have a problem. But I can’t live without cement and I need more of it. More! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!! 

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Box 3: Bubbly Barbara, 71, Glossop

• Hobbies: Drinking a lot of champagne
• Ambitions: To drink lots more champagne
• Looking for: Vineyards owners

Hi there my friends call me Bubbly Barbara. This is because I drink a lot of champagne, as opposed to having an excessively exuberant personality. As despite my nickname, the champagne doesn’t make me bubbly at all, in fact I get pretty aggressive and morose by the time I’m onto my second bottle of the day (usually by 11am). I may be into my 70s, but I can STILL make a fist AND slug it, so don’t think you can try anyting one wiv mi, yeh!? YEH!? YOUN STARTIN!?

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Box 4: Hiking Hannah, 30, Bognor Regis

• Hobbies: Hiking
• Ambitions: To get the HELL out of Bognor Regis so I can actually be near some hills
• Looking for: Someone who lives next to a mountain

Hi I’m Hannah and I live in Bognor Regis… HELP! HEEELLLP!!! I hate it here! I need a man bloke, a knight in shining army or a hoodie or skinny jeans or whatever, come and save me oh brave and handsome knight! I need to get close to the hills so I can hike and hike and hike into infinity. All while wearing a lovely bobble hat!

Please only contact me if you live next to, or in, an enormous hill.

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Box 5: Lizard Lisa

• Hobbies: Unknown
• Ambitions: Unknown
• Looking for: Unknown

Hello. I am Lisa. Can you keep a secret? I’m actually Lizard Lisa! One of the Lizard People who populate the land that is known as Earth. While I may have the appearance of a redhead version of Diane Keaton, I’m actually a mortifying lizard hiding under human skin ready and waiting to enslave humanity.

Please contact me if you’d like to meet for a spot of tea. I won’t devour you on our first date. Maybe on the second. We shall we.

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Box 6: I HATE VIDEO GAMES

• Hobbies: Anti-video game activist
• Ambitions: TO OBLITERATE VIDEO GAMES
• Looking for: A non-gamer boyfriend

Video games are the scum of the Earth! Do you play them!? Well, I don’t! I think Grand Theft Auto is for LOSERS and if you dabble in Mario Kart then you deserve the DEATH PENALTY.

However, I am open to gentlemen whom play Monopoly, Risk, or Cluedo. Love me some board games! Video games!? THEY MAKE ME VERY ANGRY!

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Box 7: Order Me a Chinese Takeaway, 28, Stockport

• Hobbies: Chinese food
• Ambitions: To eat lots of Chinese food
• Looking for: A chef

I’m Miranda. All I ever eat is Chinese food and, no, that doesn’t make me a fussy eater. It makes YOU a JUDGEMENTAL bastard! Let me make one thing clear—I DO NOT LIKE JUDGEMENTAL BASTARDS! You hear!? Good.

Now we’ve cleared that up, you’ll find I’m really sweet and lovely and only occasionally prone to lapses into what is an underlying sociopathy that leads me to lie, swindle, and delude. Ignore that bit!

By the way, I also have scurvy. That’s down to all the Chinese food I eat! Three weeks in a row all I’ve had is prawn crackers. Better have a pint of soy sauce to get that vitamin C into the system.

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Box 8: Classic Example of a Spoiled Rich Kid, 18, Kensington

• Hobbies: Being spoiled rotten
• Ambitions: Not many to be honest
• Looking for: Someone to worship the ground I walk on

Hi there I’m Daisy and I’m from a wealthy family. We’re rich. That’s why I’m superior to you are.

While that sinks in, it’s not really a matter of should you date me. Of course you want to date me! I’m rich! And hot! As a classic example of a spoiled rich kid, I’m utterly clueless about how annoying and overprivileged I am. It’s only a minor niggle in my otherwise fabulous range of personality defects. Including, but not limited to:

• Arrogance
• Pomposity
• Belittling statements
• Princess complex
• 1,345 pairs of shoes
• A pony I’ll always value over your existence

My clawing sense of superiority pervades all! You’ll overlook that because you’ll be too busy staring at me to bother comprehending how bad I am for your very being.

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Box 9: Reported to the Police

This account has been reported to the police due to consistent, and repeated, use of the word “bloody”. This is a decent, upstanding online dating platform. No freaks or potty mouths are welcome here!

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Box 10: Cranberry Juice Karen, 55, Aberystwyth

• Hobbies: Consuming vast amounts of cranberry juice
• Ambitions: Zilch
• Looking for: Some dead hot guy

Hi there I’m Karen and I drink a lot of cranberry juice. 10 litres a day. Some may say that’s mental and, well, maybe it is. If I go into a restaurant and they don’t have the stuff available on the menu, I begin SCREAMING and I do not STOP screaming until I am served cranberry juice. Longest wait I ever had was 30 minutes they had to send the commis chef out to the supermarket to find some for me. 30 minutes of screaming. My vocal chords were soothed by the chilled cranberry juice, it was lovely!

Anyway, I’m after a 21 year old who’s 10/10 hot and doesn’t mind the age gap (or the cranberry juice addiction).