Did you know it’s probably a bad idea to scream hysterically during a job interview? Today’s human female in distress was unaware of such a requirements.

However, the reality is high-pitched wailing is unlikely to land you any job (unless you’re applying to be a stunt double). This is because… well, it’s just the unwritten law.

Today, we’re helping this clueless halfwit comprehend that she needs to cut that out. Here’s how!

Scream Queen—How to Stop Wailing Hysterically in Job Interviews

Dear agony aunt,

I’m Sandra and I’m 25. I’ll get straight to the point. I’ve got some bad habits in job interviews I want to cut out, the worst being a habit of screaming at the top of my lungs. This has an outcome of ensuring I don’t get the job in question, which is putting a real downer on my career prospects, plus I’ve got a reputation as Screaming Sandra in professional circles.

Just this week I interviewed for a software company and the interviewer said, “Oh, you’re not Screaming Sandra are you?!? Bloody hell! You’ve wasted our time already!” And my response to that was to begin screaming.

So, scream I did. I continued screaming even when the security guard turned up to drag me off the premises. I screamed on the bus all the way home. I screamed until 11pm when I went to bed.

And that’s all happened 35 times so far. Most times the interviewers are highly alarmed and look at me as if I’m clinically insane. “I’M NOT CLINICALLY INSANE, YOU PRICKS!” I scream at them. This just seems to make them more agitated, distressed, and upset. It also means I never get the job.

My boyfriend says I should “see a doctor” but I don’t believe in witchcraft, I truly believe there must be some sort of purpose behind the hysterics. An indication there’s a higher calling waiting for me in life than, say, writing propaganda for a software company. I believe it’s all a sign I should be RUNNING these companies, or maybe even a country, and thus the screaming are the frustrated exhortations of an individual whom is already aware I do not need to take a lower position.

As such, I’ve re-written my CV and started applying to positions with wages I think are befitting my staggering lack of experience, but in line with my lofty expectations as someone superior to everyone else.

The problem?

I CANNOT STOP THE SCREAMING!

I got a first-stage interview with a recruiter asking why I should be considered for a director’s role when I have no experience at all. My response? “AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!” In high-pitched fashion for 35 seconds. Then I demanded they give me the job and a company car.

No joy that time. How can I ensure I hit the nail on the head in my next interview?

Yours, Sandra

Hi there, Sandra! If you can’t control it then you may have a condition called klazomania. This is a condition of compulsive shouting, yelling, grunting, or barking. It may even be Tourette syndrome.

However, have you considered just not screaming at all? You do have some level of voluntary control over this situation—screaming at work is never a good idea.

As such, the next time you have an interview just choose not to scream.

Remind yourself that yourself tedious superiority complex is severely misguided and you are, in fact, woefully underqualified for higher management roles right now. Whilst you have the staggering arrogance required to be a C-suiter, you lack experience.

Our recommendation is you try a side career in amateur dramatics. Your natural propensity for mortifying screaming may well open up doors for a film career! We hate making predictions, but we can see you wining, dining, and shrieking hysterically with the Hollywood elite before the century is out.