It’s easy to be a good snob in this day and age. Particularly if you enjoy nothing more than slaking your hunger pangs with ultra-processed foodstuffs.

Such as today’s family, who dine on nothing but tinned soup for each and every meal, for each and every day. They’re here to gloat about it and that’s just SOUPER (in some respects).

When Life Gives You Soup in a Can

Dear agony aunt,

I’m Vera with a V (not a D) and I’m getting pissed off that my friends keep telling me eating nothing but tinned soups is “bad” for me and my family. I’ve told them to cram a goddamn sock in it, that what I do to my family has nothing to do with them and that I know best as the head of my household!

My husband, Bob, fully supports my mission. “You do right by this family, Dera!” he says, then I shout him DOWN THAT IT’S VERA WITH A V!

Why tinned soups? Well why NOT tinned soups eh? I love them me and they’re a great way to feed the family of four on a tight budget. Tomato soup is my favourite. Last week we had that one for EVERY meal all week long and it was dead good. The kids got a bit sick of it by the third day yeah, sure, but they’re kids they get sick of everything. “Mummy!” shrieks Sally my 6 year old, “NOT TOMATO SOUP AGAIN I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!” But then her little face LIT UP when I said we was having ice cream for dessert and you bet your backside it was tomato soup ice cream! My specially made homemade recipe of tomato soup frozen with sugar and ice added in. Delish! It made Bob chuck up, but he hates vegetables probably because he is one lol.

Anyway, friends have said to me that my diet is “shit” and “stupid”. My best friend Gloria said I’m “a bleedin’ idiot” for feeding my family all this tinned soup. I pointed out that she and her ex-husband lived on a diet of spaghetti hoops until he developed scurvy and divorced her.

We haven’t spoken in a while now, me and her.

But who needs friends when you got tinned soup (and family)!? Oh I love them me all those different flavours:

• Tomato
• Cream of tomato
• Cream of chicken
• Vegetable
• Potato and leek
• Cream of mushroom
• Minestrone
• Oxtail
• Lobster bisque
• Lentil
• Broccoli and stilton
• Beef & veg
• Cup a soup
• Tomato and basil
• Cream of chicken soup
• Chicken and sweetcorn
• Cream of asparagus
• Chicken and leek
• [Editor: She rambles for quite a bit longer, so we decided to truncate the list here.]

Love them! Except French onion because I hate THE FRENCH and ONIONS. Oh and I hate miso soup that JAPANESE MUCK it isn’t real soup it’s like a communist gravy.

Anyway, better wrap this up. I haven’t got any real problems you know this message was more about me showing your readers that tinned soup is the way to go in life. None of this “veganism” malarky or spending hours in the kitchen. Simply prise a can of soup open and Bob’s your uncle (or husband, as in my case LOL!).

Yours soupcerely, Vera

Vera—myself and the rest of the agony aunt team found your message deeply depraved and disturbing. We ask that you return tomorrow, as we have our resident Dr. Moron to provide insights on the stupidity of your stupid diet.

In the meantime, please… FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR FAMILY!!! Have some beans on toast tonight, or something, these people need proper solids!