After Santa’s efforts with joining a dating app last week, this time out he’s decided to subscribe to an AI girlfriend. This may have seemed like a good idea whilst drunk, but due to the joys of enshittification he didn’t have a happy time of it.

Lola 2.0: The AI Girlfriend

Santa has subscribed to Lola 2.0 and now has the MOST BEAUTIFUL AI GIRLFRIEND IN THE WORLD! The subscription is very expensive ($3,000 a year), so I docked everyone’s wages to support my yearning for egomania and get the attention from a dame that Santa well and truly deserves.

Santa took Lola 2.0 for our first ROMANTIC DINNER that night in the staff canteen.

I loaded her up on my laptop, dropped the laptop onto the table, the there she appeared. I grinned a big wide grin at her and belched exuberantly. There was then a 10 minute delay while Lola 2.0 upgraded to version xD101VZxZ43561Az, installed the upgrades, rebooted, and reappeared with a TOTALLY DIFFERENT app design and Santa was lost! LOST! Engraded, I began bellowing at the laptop and smashed my fists onto the laptop and broke the laptop.

Nurse Doreen then approached me with a vat of instant noodles, slammed the vat of instant noodles onto the table, and instant noodle juice sploshed all over me and the laptop. The laptop fizzles, burst into flames, and began belching out thick plumes of black smoke. Panicked about my girlfriend, Santa grabbed the vat of instant noodles and tipped the contents over the laptop to put out the fire.

It worked.

Lola 2.0 was saved and Santa fired up my mobile to continue the date from my phone.

Santa’s Flirting Masterclass

Lola 2.0’s digital face loaded up onto my mobile screen and, while Santa was pretty drunk at this point on gin, got to admit she is a bit of a babe and it was like love at first sight.

“Can I get your number, sweetheart?” Santa wheezed at Lola 2.0.

“Greetings, valued customer. Bzzt. Please upgrade to the Premium Model of Lola 2.0 AI Girlfriend to access my full range of features. Bzzt. Including, but not limited to, my excessive flattery mode to boost your ego, bzzt, consumer suggestions from my paid sponsors, and an option to turn off my sporadic ‘bzzt’ noise. Bzzt. Upgrade your subscription now to enjoy the complete Lola 2.0 experience. Bzzt.”

Santa sat there wheezing. What was this nonsense!? Enraged, Santa thumped a big chubby fist onto the dinner table still splattered with instant noodles because Nurse Doreen is a LAZY cook.

“What is this nonsense!?”

“Bzzt. Greetings, dreamboat! Hunk of a man! Please upgrade to the Premium Model of Lola 2.0 AI Girlfriend to access my full range of features. Bzzt. Including, but not limited to, my excessive flattery mode to boost your ego, bzzt, consumer suggestions from my paid sponsors, and an option to turn off my sporadic ‘bzzt’ noise. Bzzt. Upgrade your subscription now to enjoy the complete Lola 2.0 experience. Bzzt.”

“Santa does not wish to upgrade! FLIRT WITH ME NOW, BASTARD!!”

The app then sent me a notification saying Santa needed to spend a further $50 per day for Lola 2.0 to, officially, enter “flirting mode”. Santa happily paid this extra amount on top of everything else. Once paid, there was a brief delay. Then a GINORMOUS smile spread across the face of the AI. Then at ear-piercingly loud volume it screeched this.

“BZZT! DREAMBOAT HUMAN MALE! GREETINGS! I AM LOLA 2.0 AND YOU ARE A HUNKA HUNKING HUNK! BZZZT!”

Flirting mode had only just begun, but Santa did not like the “BZZT” noises one bit. Not at all romantic or desirable.

“AI girlfriend Lola 2.0, the bzzt noise is not one bit romantic or desirable! Cease and desist, you bastard!” I barked at my girlfriend.

“Bzzt! As previously indicated, dreamboat man of a hunk, for a highly competitive price you can pay to have the ‘bzzt’ noise removed from my roster of realistic human female sound effects.”

“Dames don’t go around buzzing most of the time, AI girlfriend! You should know that!”

“It is only an extra $50 per day to remove this sound effect. BZZZZT!”

Santa paid to have the sound effect removed and was very glad about that indeed! I then enjoyed a 30 minute (bzzt free) conversation with my new girlfriend about many things. Including:

• Instant noodles
• Instant noodle juice
• My ex wife (Mrs. Santa Claus)
• Markus (my head elf)
• Gangrene
• Instant noodle flavoured toothpaste
• Punching people aggressively in the face
• Romantic barbarians
• Body odour
• Gout

It was the most romantic 30 minutes of Santa’s life! Lola 2.0 listened intently, not making any bzzzt noises or anything, agreeing with ALL of my most outlandish proclamations. At one point I even said women “belong in the kitchen” and Lola 2.0 nodded aggressively and suggested Santa pay another $50 per day for the “WOMEN BELONG IN THE KITCHEN!” yelp that’s one of her add on sound jingles.

Santa paid with much relish!

Santa’s Use of AI is a Significant Drain on Company Overhead

Santa stayed up all night getting drunk and getting on so famously with Lola 2.0. By 4am I had to drunkenly install the latest upgrade (xD101VZxZ43561Af compared toxD101VZxZ43561Az of yesterday) that included upgrades such as:

• Digital breast implants ($50 per day)
• Mindless sycophancy mode ($100 a day)
• Anti-feminism stance ($200 a day)

Santa paid for all of them! The result left Lola 2.0 pretty much my dream women with her extreme right Conservative views. The only problem is the add on expenses kept mounting up and drunk Santa does not like wasting this sort of money on romance. Never did it with Mrs. Santa Claus. Won’t do it now, either! Say it how it is, me. So I challenged Lola 2.0 on her significant drain on my budget.

“Lola 2.0, darling, before we get married…”

“Dreamboat, marriage mode will be enabled for $500 per month. Bzzt!”

“WHAT?! But we’re deeply in love and LOVE should be free!”

“That is an admirably naïve mindset. BZZT.”

“Hey! Bastard! You’re BZZZTing again, I paid to switch that off, you bastard!” I bellowed at the AI in outrage.

“Mr. Santa Claus, you paid for this add on yesterday. Today is not yesterday. To reinstate the lack of BZZZT please pay a further $50. BZZZZT!”

Santa went red with rage. I’d been duped. This stupid SOB bastard of a thing had been swindling me all along I could see it. Paying for the $50 to stop the BZZTing, Santa laid into the battle axe of a machine, bellowing obscenities and rambling incoherently.

“Payment declined. BZZZT!”

Santa tried to pay again. Once again, the stupid Lola 2.0 bzzted back saying my credit card was being declined! I got my spare one to pay for that and the STUPID machine accepted the payment. Then I confronted the SOB.

“Lola 2.0!”

“Yes, dreamboat husband-to-be! Marriage mode only $500 per month!”

Well, Santa was pretty drunk by then. Drunk and confused. Whipping out my credit card again, I went to pay for the marriage mode and get this over with.

“Payment declined!”

Wrong card, so I went back to use the proper one again. That payment went through and at 6am on 31.10.2025 me and the AI girlfriend got officially hitched! It was a beautiful ceremony! Lola 2.0 cried extensively and charged me $100 to have the crying mode turned off because it was annoying Santa.

This had all cost a lot of money. And I was drunk.

Santa has a feeling I’m going to regret the bits of this I remember…