It’s that time of year again when UK geezers in a heatwave take on the giant star at the centre of our solar system. And UK geezers will always win, as the Sun is woke.

But what if you have a doting wife, looking on at your manly husband, concerned about his wellbeing? Quit nagging, lady, you need to cut that woke out!

When a Woman Complains About Manly Sunburn

Alright mate? I’m Danny. 35. Got 3 kids, the missus is a banger and we’ve just been on holiday to Spain. It were dead good but THE WIFE were nagging the whole trip because of me sunburn. It were manly sunburn. Sunburn is manly. I got it over 57% of me body and were beaming red even when I got home to Preston and showed me mates down the pub and it were banging. Pub landlord looked at me and gave me a free pint saying I were a hero for the nation. It were the best day of me life!

Then the nagging went on and on and on. The wife were on my case about how I were “red raw” and that me grunts of agony and “strained” facial expressions of agony, and the occasional scream of sunburn agony, were worrying her. Yeah, it hurts like a bastard but that’s the price you pay for NOT BEING WOKE.

Because what am I gonna do, slather my body in suntan lotion!? I’ve read the conspiracy theories me and I know the truth. The truth scares me rigid and gives me anxiety attacks when I think about it:

• Suntan lotion has mind-altering chemicals in it that makes you a leftist feminist
• Suntan lotion gives you rabies
• My mate went woke and used suntan lotion last week and now he’s dead because he was run over by a car and you can’t tell me that’s not coincidence
• Suntan lotion means you don’t get sunburn and that’s woke and I want to be manly

Think I’ve made me case clear as day. Sound as a pound. Yeah, I’ve spent all my time typing this shouting sweet bloody murder because of the sunburn, but it does mean I got to skip work and that’s what life is all about, mate! Eh? So tell me wife to SLING HER HOOK so I can continue on me way, being a real man, not being a jessy.

Cheers,

Danny

Hi there, Danny! Not really sure what to add here other than you clearly have your priorities in life sorted. However, and whomever, it’s important to remember that old adage:

“A sunburn is for life, not just for Christmas.”

Therefore, you are indeed right to get on your wife’s case about this. You’re caring for, and nurturing, your sunburn into the next generation, so that future sunburns will be even more manly for the men of this world. That is simply science, based on empirical evidence, as God as our witness.

You’re a real hero, Danny. There aren’t many around these woke days, but from now on we mark 29th June as an annual tribute day to Danny, the sunburned man who screams in agony every time he breathes.