After the many joys of men seeking women in 2026 (lonely hearts), now we’re onto the MANY joys of angry women seeking pathetic wastrel men. Want love this year!? You’re but a punch to a stupid man bloke’s face away!
Box 1: Knock-Knock Joke Jane, 51, Scunthorpe
- Hobbies: Knock-knock jokes
- Ambitions: Knock-knock jokes
- Looking for: Men who like knock-knock jokes
Knock knock! Who’s there? Cargo. Cargo who? No, car goes beep beep!
This is just one of 135,000 knock-knock jokes I, Knock-Knock Joke Jane, can BRIGHTEN YOUR LIFE WITH. I’m obsessed with them! I was even cleared of insanity years ago, so you can’t use that line on me you no good SOB! I’m not mad. I’m just in love with short, sharp, punchy jokes. If you think you can stomach that, then KNOCK KNOCK!
Box 2: Dickhead Deirdre, 55, Portsmouth
- Hobbies: Being a dickhead
- Ambitions: To be a dickhead
- Looking for: Dickheads
Hiya. Me again. Dickhead Deirdre. Still a dickhead and, so, subsequently, I am still single. BUT I SHAN’T GIVE UP. There’s a man bloke out there for me, I know it, you know it, and so for 2026 I’ve set my targets on being 13% less of a dickhead. I reckon that’ll land me good results. Maybe not a Brad Pitt or a George Clooney level guy, but a Nick Nolte level guy (back when he was hot, of course). Oh yeah, only contact me if you’re good looking. Yes, I am that shallow… I’m a dickhead, after all.
Box 3: Choreographed Argument Seeker, 42, Bristol
- Hobbies: Bickering
- Ambitions: To bicker
- Looking for: A polar opposite
One is seeking a man whom is my opposite in every way. Thus, as an example, if one loves birds and flowers, one expects you to DETEST them with all your might. That way, we may enjoy regular choreographed argument, which one believes to be the very foundation of a healthy, functioning, belligerent relationship.
Box 4: [User Banned]
This user was banned for only posting pictures of her cat to her profile. Note to all users! THIS IS NOT A PLATFORM FOR CATS! It is a lonely hearts column.
Box 5: [User Banned]
This user was banned for aggressively mass messaging men with pictures of her rottweiler Bruno. Once again… THIS IS NOT A PLATFORM FOR BOASTING ABOUT YOUR PETS. We are in the business of HUMAN matchmaking and DON’T you forget it.
Box 6: Titanic Re-enactment Rachel, 33, Southampton
- Hobbies: Being a dickhead
- Ambitions: To be a dickhead
- Looking for: Dickheads
Hi there I’m Rachel and I am OBSESSED (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) with the Titanic. So much so, I have decided to re-enact that fateful voyage from the ORIGINAL dock of Southampton with a rubber dinghy styled to look a bit like the Titanic. I’m American, but moved her specifically in 2019 to prep for this mighty voyage and have even mastered a posh British accent to align myself with Kate Winslet’s PHENOMENAL performance in the film.
I need YOU, men of the UK (one of you), to be my Jack/Leonardo DiCaprio.
Box 7: Subtitles Susan, 55, Nottingham
- Hobbies: Watching everything with subtitles on
- Ambitions: To read ALL the subtitles
- Looking for: Subtitles fans
Hi there I’m Susan and I love subtitles. I watch everything (TV, films, YouTube etc.) with subtitles on. I do this because I want to read ALL the subtitles. However, this obsessive habit does make me look like a bit of an OCD maniac. As such, only date me if you’re willing to sit there and read subtitles! Which includes frequent rewinds if I miss any. Like I said, I must read ALL the subtitles.
Box 8: I Can Fix Him Kim, 33, Hastings
- Hobbies: Being convinced I can fix obnoxious men
- Ambitions: To fix them
- Looking for: Red flag men
RED FLAG MEN!!! I’m Kim and I’m ready to fix you. I don’t mind how toxic and horrendous you are, I’ve taken it upon myself to date all the most vile man babies in the world in the misguided belief I can fix (some) of them. This causes me a great deal of emotional trauma, is a total waste of time, and I should know better. However, some of these guys are hot and, therefore, I’m shallow enough to go through with this endeavour.
Box 9: [User Banned]
This user was banned for leaving us a 1/5 review online. That’s defamation, that is!
Box 10: Sleep Talking Sandra, 42, Leicester
- Hobbies: Sleep talking
- Ambitions: To continue sleep talking
- Looking for: A man who can put up with my sleep talking
Hiya! I’m Sandra and I’m a really, really bubble girl who also has a chronic, deleterious sleep talking habit. I’ve been known to repeat entire swathes of Tolstoy novels in my sleep. My ex left me because he said I was “batshit crazy”, but I can assure you I’m not crazy AT ALL. I just sleep talk every night, which may drive YOU crazy. Which is probs what happened to my ex, come to think of it!
