Once a year the Professional Moron staff brace ourselves and prepare for our Lonely Hearts column. Today is the day. Frankly, we only do one per annum as the responses we get from our readers tend to be utterly terrifying. Indeed, WordPress warned us the entire blog would be shut down if we ran some of the Lonely Hearts forms we received. Thusly, it takes around four months to vet (as one would vet a senile, braying donkey) all the responses and choose relatively sane ones. Thusly, here we have the remarkable results! Oh, we should WARN you we decided to split the results over two days. Today is the MEN’S SECTION! Tomorrow, women. Why men first? As men are stupider.
Our First Dating Column was in March 2012. The second April 2013. We’re happy to report we’ve had highly positive results during this history of match making. From the feedback we’ve received we’re aware our benign efforts have resulted in: 7 marriages, 14 divorces, 5 estrangements, several broken limbs, 361 outraged and/or humble bragging messages on Facebook, 12 cases of blackmail, four black eyes, several death threats, an ingrowing toenail, and several hundred screaming matches. Romance will never die, and we’re here to set you all up once more. Should you come across a Box of interest, note the number and send us an e-mail. Happy searching – the human being of your dreams is buttermere click away!
Men Seeking Women
Box #1.0 – Morbidly obese gentleman seeks slender, dead fit woman who doesn’t mind I can only move about via a forklift truck. Hobbies include: drinking litres of melted ice cream, yodelling, and yelling at my mother to bring more deep fried donuts. Warning: no smokers accepted as it is a disgusting habit!
Box #1.1 – Extremely handsome man with a jawline so chiselled it’s like I was invented by the God of Strong Jawlines. I seek to find the Holy Grail – an attractive woman who isn’t as obsessed with my jawline as I am. Must like the film Jaws. Must like strong jawlines and have no allergies or pathological phobias of remarkably chiselled jawlines.
Box #1.2 – Refined gentleman seeks good looking woman who doesn’t mind my regular alien abductions. Must be able to cope with occasional interaction with aliens – they visit me often and I am transported to distant galaxies to fight in intergalactic wars. You only need to greet them when they knock on the front door. They’re here for me, not you, so don’t be alarmed. NB: I am not insane, as many have suggested. I had myself tested at a psychiatrists and was evaluated as “borderline insane, but not completely gone”. Thought I’d clear that up!
Box #1.3 – footie mad lad bowt town Sikhs slappy go lucky (LOL!) woman 4 woteva. Not overly fussed, innit, but u knead 2 b ded fit. lol. Must be reasonably wealthy coz i has six kidz 2 support coz of me machoness. more bowt me: i like footie, beer, FHM, getting wasted, and gathering antisocial behavioural orders (ASBOs) 4 me CV. i we’re called, “Unemployable” by da job centre, but i reckon am gonna be an world faymoose footie hooligan n right a book bowt me expeeriances. lol.
Box #1.4 – Loner male seeks loner female for awkward silences and panic stricken wracking of brains for polite conversational pleasantries. Must be able to think of new replies to “This weather, eh?”, as this will be the very bedrock of our anxiety ridden relationship. No Hippies, please.
Men Seeking Men
Box #2.0 – Emotionally stunted man seeks an emotionally stunted fellow man in which he can be stunted in an emotionally stunted relationship. I enjoy Scrabble and picking my nose. Often at the same time. I hate numerous forms of fun, but I don’t believe this makes me unfun. For instance, recently I saw an older gentleman involved in a bone crunchingly violent fall. I chortled quite heartily at this tragic accident.
Box #2.1 – Really bloody buff bloke seeks analogous gym addict for endless hours pumping iron. Warning: I spend at least 60 hours a week in the gym. You must be able to keep up with me, otherwise get lost. I am so ripped I find it difficult moving around; my muscles are so taught it makes bending down, or sitting, virtually impossible without agonised screaming from myself. Consequently, I am always standing up. I expect the same from you.
Box #2.2 – Hipster male seeks Hipster male for Hipster based competitions. These include: beard growing contests, “see who can stay conscious the longest” Ultra Skinny Jean wearing, and touring Instagram for beard growth inspiration. Must own a Granddad Jumper. Must smell mildly of incense.
Box #2.3 – Cheerfully violent, steroid pumping football hooligan seeks Hipster male for lessons in life, culture, and beard growing. I have had enough of my psychotic ways (sort of – I still like to let off steam by punching walls) and wish to be cultured in Skinny Jean etiquette. Please, hit me up… otherwise I’ll BEAT you up!
Box #2.4 – Sensitive sort seeks equally sensitive sort for a relationship, and potential partnership, in my idea for a cute wildlife resort. It will be called, “Cute Animals ROAR (are) Us!”. I intend to have puppies and kittens roaming many acres of land, and it will be mandatory for visitors to be crying throughout their stay due to the whole goddamned cuteness of it all. If they don’t cry they will immediately be forced from our property with a live cattle prod.