The Professional Moron Lonely Hearts Column: Women Seeking

Find your ideal wom-man here today with our highly professional dating column!
Find your ideal wom-man here today with our highly professional dating column!

Right, so yesterday we got the men’s section out of the way. Today is the women’s turn. Didn’t see that coming, did you? Now psychologists and biologists have noted over the years the key difference between men and women. Men tend to have short hair, and women wear it longer. There are notable exceptions, such as Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall and/or World War Z. Plus, Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohicans.

Then there are women with short hair, such as Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings, and Leonardo Da Vinci in Titanic. The general rule, though, is men wear it short, women wear it long. Remember this as your key rule to finding a match, as if you approach a weight lifting, steroid pumping, burly 7ft male with an epic mane of hair, the chances are he isn’t a woman.

Now what can we say about today’s batch of lovely ladies who contacted us? Most of them aren’t too odd. This is always a bonus. If your jaw, literally and/or figuratively, hits the floor through swooning whilst reading about your ideal wom-man, then drop us an e-mail with the Box number and we’ll set you up! Huzzah!

Women Seeking Men

It is said bubbles were the foundation for humanity. We don't know who said it, but they were wrong.
It is said bubbles were the foundation for humanity. We don’t know who said it, but they were wrong.

Box #1.0 – Bubbly, down-to-Earth girl ready to bubble over in a bubbly mass of bubbles. So bubbly I am banned from certain countries due to being a danger to public health. Friends call me “down to Earth”, “friendly”, and “bubbly”. I often top up on my bubbliness by drinking Bubbly (champagne). LOL! If you’re ready to be overwhelmed in a world of frothing bubbly madness, hit me up! LOL!

Box #1.1 – Divine woman seeks man who is also in touch with the transmundane. I collect bananas with the intention of building the world’s biggest banana boat. For you see, I believe Thor will make it rain fruit (pomegranates, grapes, jam etc.) for 40 days and nights. The banana boat will save a select few; I must collect two of every vegetable to save Vegetablekind. Join me on my romantic cruise?!?!

Box #1.2 – Petite lady of 4’8” seeks 7ft man. Must be able to reach shelves in the supermarket. Doctors blame my lack of height on my inability to reach food off shelves. Will you be my Knight in 7ft Armour and get me those hard to reach Spaghetti Hoops tins?!

Box #1.3 – Blissfully naïve lady seeks one’s Knight in Shining Armour to whisk one off one’s feet and live Happily Ever After. One is a nice lady, but one has been messed around by men TOO MANY GODDAMN TIMES!!! They’re all bastards!! If you AREN’T a bastard, feel free to contact one. If you ARE a bastard, GET LOST you goddamn SOB!!!! Non-smokers only, please.

Box #1.4 – Shrill woman seeks shy, paranoid man to dominate. I always get what I want, and if I don’t I can scream at a decibel level enough to make jelly wobble. My man must refer to me as “Sweetums” at all times, including work dos and/or before my boss. This will highlight my utter dominance over men, whom I flirt with all the time. Get used to it!

Women Seeking Women

Time is money. Money is time. Dating is monetised time. Non-dating is time dilated monetisation.


Box #2.0 – Highly professional woman seeks unemployed woman so I don’t have to stop being professional once I’m forced out of work by security for overdoing overtime. On returning home I will lecture the individual about the necessity of working life, merged with machinations regarding my hatred of Communists and working class scumbags. Hippies need not apply.

Box #2.1 – Tomboy woman with a penchant for beer and ballet seeks an attractive female counterpart for cake baking. I am a cake baker by profession. My cake shop is called, “The Cake Shop”. I am in direct conflict with a cheese shop flanking my store, and would like to eradicate their existence for total… fiscal… profitisation. I like cake.

Box #2.2 – Hippy with a fondness for flowers and weight lifting seeks a tomboy who is interested in cake baking and ballet. I own a cheese shop (which is called “The Cheese Shop”) but I would like to break into cake baking. I’m thinking of calling my cake shop, “A Cake Shop” so as not to clash with “The Cake Shop” which is adjacent to my store.

Box #2.3 – Y’arite? Dead fit lady hear lookin 4 another dead fit lady as MEN are FILTH!!!!!!!!! Just got out off an longterm relationship with a PIG with SWINE FLU and ive HAD IT with MEN!!!!!!!!!! If your a sweat lady who isn’t a PIG then contact me. Nothingz more important 2 me than friends and family and NOT BEING AROUND PIGGISH MEN!!!!!!!!!! Drop us a line… if your not a PIG!!!!!!!!!

Box #2.4 – Highly educated physicist whom made her special studies in sub-atomic particles, Maxwell’s equations, thermodynamics, optics, linear algebra, material science, and astrophysics. I seek a dim-witted blockhead for learned discourse, with the ulterior motive of imputing my dastardly schemes onto their fatuous being. Mwa. Mwahahahahaaaaaa!

Dispense with some gibberish!

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