It’s the time of year when snow is prevalent. It’s winter, it gets cold, and it might snow. This definitely won’t happen in the UK as we’ve got temperatures which are akin to late summer, but we can at least dream of snow and remember fond occasions when the Earth shed its flaky scalp all over the place.

Science reasons that snow is frozen rain. Science is based on erroneous thought; science also claims the Earth is round, “gravity” exists, light travels faster than sound, and the Sun is a star and not a planet. We’ve had enough of this scientific mumbo jumbo from stupid people in stupid white coats! We’re here to offer the real explanation as to why snow happens, and it’s to do with the Earth’s lack of personal hygiene.

Exposing the Myths Behind Snow (and dandruff)

Snow is the Earth’s dandruff. How does the Earth acquire dandruff? Well obviously it doesn’t wash regularly enough. This is a particular bad habit considering disgusting creatures like humans are swarming about all over it. Not wise at all!

Around Christmas time the Earth slobs out a bit like the rest of us and lets loose, which is why it stops washing and we get Earth dandruff (or earthdruff as it’s known). The Earth is a bit drunk and has eaten too many chocolates and brussels sprouts (*ahem*), which means it can’t be bothered cleansing itself in its normally way.

Essentially, then, snow (whilst pretty) is a blight on the Earth’s self-esteem. It needs to be eradicated. How does one cure such a disastrous aesthetic sight? Obviously it’s a bit difficult for the Earth, which by human standards is classed as clinically obese on a grand scale, to take a shower.

How to Cure Snow

The best way to alleviate snow is to use a high-quality shampoo and conditioner – organic if possible, with all natural ingredients such as 100% alcohol to eradicate the stuff from the skull. How does one get this above the enormous Earth? Pretty simple, you get NASA to ship 30,000 bottles of shampoo and conditioner in one (thusly saving space on separate bottles), whereupon astronauts will do space walks and massage the blessed goop into the Earth’s scalp.

This, to some, may seem as insane as eating Brussels sprouts for Christmas dinner, but we assure you it is most possible indeed. How do we know? Well just look at what happened in Superman – the guy flew around the world in order to turn back time! If you can do something as preposterous as that, you can give the Earth a rinse and wash. That’ll be £10, please, love.