The great thing about budget cola is it has all the attributes of normal Coca-Cola, but at the budget price which can save you about 50p a go. It’s best to buy the stuff in enormous two litre plastic bottles. Consuming the lot in one sitting is enough to give you a sugar high which will see you through to your immediate rush to the nearest hospital to be placed on a drip.

We’re not here to take the fun out of budget cola. We’re here to put it into a great big pie of happiness! When you think about it, though, what’s missing the most from cola? Obviously it’s packed full of super healthy refined sugar, but what about the human body’s need for salt? This is where the anchovies come in, as a tin of a dozen or so is enough to render anyone salthappy (this is a pun on slaphappy, if you missed it). Today, we’re combining the two in a pie!

Budget Cola and Anchovy Pie!

We’re aware, as there is more than one anchovy involved in this pie, the title to this recipe is grammatically incorrect. Anchovies or anchovy, what does it matter? The way we figure it, right, is the anchovies essentially merge into one giant anchovy for this pie. Kind of like Russian dolls.

The way to make this pie is to cheat and purchase readymade pastry (heck, who has the time to MAKE the stuff?!), two litres of budget cola (four is you’re aiming to overdose), and fifteen tins of anchovies. Get home, stick the oven on, align the pastry in a pie tin, and add one and a half litres of budget cola. This will make the pie tray overflow like one crazed son of a gun, but the point is to infuse the pastry in the cola fully.

Make sure there’s a good 300ml surface water of budget cola swimming about in the tin. With this done, add all of the anchovies to the pie, put on the pie’s lid, and stick it into a preheated oven (whatever temperature, like we care) for one hour. Once elapsed, remove and prepare yourself for glory!

It Still Sounds Repulsive…

Fret yee not. It is repulsive! Luckily, as envisaged in the image at the top of this post, one can spice up the repugnance with a bit of delicious ice cream. You can pour leftover budget cola into a mug as well, thusly being able to wash the malodorous stench and aftertaste of anchovies and budget cola from your palette.

Our advice? Don’t make this disgrace to humanity. Leave anchovies where they well and truly belong, in the sea. Or on a pizza. Or in shepherd’s pie… or were those long thin bits just bits of carrot? We can never really tell.