Exclusive Invention: Hose Pipe Pens (better than fountain pens)

Hose pipe pen
Believe it or not, these things will be great pens.

The fountain pen is a misnomer as it is not a fountain and nor is it a pen. Well… we guess it is a pen, but it most bloody certainly bloody well isn’t a bloody fountain. We’re positive about that – anyone who’s ever seen a fountain will also subscribe to our assessment here.

Regardless, we still feel this genre of pens (by which we mean pens which facilitate jets of ink onto paper based objects) hasn’t been fully realised. As a consequence, we’ve developed a hose pipe pen from a hose in our garden, some pipes we took from heavy smokers, and ink we stole from squid at our local supermarket. It’s going to be hose-rrendous!

The Hose Pipe Pen

The idea behind this is for those people who are in a rush and need to write really, really quickly. A fountain pen isn’t the best bet for fast writing – it’s a poncey pen for upper class people who are rich enough to spend ages writing stuff really slowly and flamboyantly.

In the real world, time is money. Working class scumbags such as ourselves need stuff like ball point pens to thrash at work so we can acquire our dismal minimum wage packages to force us to endure our equally dismal existences as sub-par members of society.

Consequently, the hose pipe pen is an invention which Karl Marx would be particularly proud of. It’s an invention which will shake up the class system and allow people, through sheer dint of expedient writing, to get rich quick.

Putting it simply, the hose pipe pen is a hose which is attached to an ink source. Once the hose is turned on, it begins spraying ink all over the place like a football hooligan spews forth obscenities. It’s brilliant and we plan to write some of the best novels in history with this device.

Literary Criticism

Our many and varied critics have pointed out the hose pipe pen couldn’t possibly lead to any form of intelligible language creation. One said: “It’d simply be a bloody great big mess! This is the invention only a cretin would come up with.” Prat.

This individual does speak some truth, however, as we found the uncontrollable jet of ink generally caused nothing else but a horrendous spillage which took several hours to clean up. After much experimentation, we did manage to get it to spell out words which probably haven’t been created yet by firing the ink at high speed against the nearest wall.

This does mean one can only use the hose pipe pen if one has a garden. Proletariats naturally don’t have one of these, so we’ve inadvertently nullified the Marxist leanings of our creation before it’s even hit the market.

Still, at the price of only £300 ($500) a pen, it’s probably best we aim this product at dimwitted middle class/upper class consumerist morons who will no doubt lap the pens up like the fatuous imbeciles they are. Does that sound horribly obnoxious and caustic? Fret yee not, they’ll get a free bag of marshmallows with every pen bought!


  1. Brilliant! Graffiti Artists will embrace this. I see it replacing the spray can of paint, and a whole new world & generation of street art opening up. Kudos!

    Liked by 1 person

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