Exclusive Recipe: Caviar Cake (with extra caviar)!

Caviar cake
Don’t let its repulsive appearance put you off – it’s borderline okay tasting cake!

Caviar is the food of Kings, although anyone can afford it now as the stuff lines even the most common, working class supermarkets across the worlds. Indeed, caviar is truly available to one and all. Whoever dares consume the stuff can do so at leisure, so it’s just as well we’ve decided to make a cake recipe to lighten up the world with fish eggs!

Eating caviar is kind of like taking a step into another world – this is why we invented caviar soup. As one can verily consume the stuff at leisure these days, every day is like journeying to Neverland to visit Pocahontas with her selection of swiss army knives. Who doesn’t want to be a part of this? Join us, then, as we tell you how to create… a caviar cake?

Caviar Cake

You’ll need a lot of caviar to make this cake work for you. We’re talking about at least 100,000 caviar eggs so, even though caviar is cheap these days, this cake isn’t for cheap people. You know who you are: those ones who don’t buy Häagen-Dazs ice cream and who select free postage for Amazon products rather than First Class. Cheap!

Now Ocado’s Black Lumpfish Caviar (100g) is £2.50 which is one of the cheapest caviar tins we could find. It’s from Ocado, too, which is like the poshest supermarket in the UK… although a reviewer on this page claims:

“We usually buy the other brand but decided to try this as it is a bit cheaper but none of us liked it, we just found it had an odd taste*, hard to explain.” 1/5

Balls to them, just buy around 100 of these things and you’ll find the glorious price of £250 ($331) meets you. So what? Life is for living! So clamp your hands on the finest grade adhesive glue and piece together a fantabulous looking cake made solely (exclusively – not the fish sole!!) out of fish eggs… and bits of sole as well, if you want.

The Health Benefits of Caviar Cake

Unlike other cakes (which will generally leave you morbidly obese and on the verge of death), caviar cake is pretty decent for you (apart from the colossal salt intake – eat two slices to maximise your daily salt intake by 3000%).

Fantastically, there are many other brilliant benefits to caviar cake which we shall now elucidate:

  • Caviar is high in omega 3 fatty acids, thusly ensuring you’ll meet your daily recommended allowance of destructive acid of 0%
  • By consuming caviar cake, you will be able to apply for a class evaluation form from the local government, potentially allowing you to leapfrog from working class scumbag territory to the middle classes and all the banality this brings
  • If you like the taste of caviar, you will like the caviar cake
  • Caviar cake can also be used merely as caviar
  • There are no other health benefits
  • Except the protein fix, which will ensure you don’t waste away into a puny fool incapable of picking up a tin of caviar

There we have it! Merely place your caviar cake in the fridge when you’re not eating it, try not to over indulge in the glue which holds it together, and ignore the sensations of cosmic interference from within your brain (caused by your body shutting down due to a salt overdose). Enjoy!

*One could state it tasted a little… fishy.

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