In Contempt of White Bread

White bread
Don’t let it see the whites of your eyes!

We’re not racist or anything but white bread really does our heads in. The stuff is putrid beyond belief! We’ll try and limit the manic hyperbole in today’s post as irrationality is a hallmark of stunted intellectual capabilities, but we truly believe the world’s white bread resources should be eradicated. With nuclear warheads… if necessary.

The problem with white bread, you see, is it’s been robbed of its nutritional value by thieving imbeciles who dislike bran and germ layers in wheat flour. What’s wrong with germs, anyway, other than there capacity to cause illnesses such as scurvy, projectile vomiting, and gout? Exactly, so let’s deconstruct white bread to improve your lives.

The Case Against White Bread

The thing with white bread is as follows: the flour, like some strumpet, has been bleached to lighten its appearance. Chemicals such as potassium bromate, azordicarbonamide (unrelated to azordacarbonimide), and chlorine dioxide are used to made the colour of the flour predictable.

It’s the stupidity of modern consumerism – you buy stuff as it looks the same. If it doesn’t look the same, it must be cursed by some disease which will rot your innards. So long as it looks the same, regardless of harsh chemicals such as semtex contained within, all will be well.

Apparently, in America, some locals refer to white bread as “sandwich bread” or “sandwich loaf”. This truly highlights the institutionalised complacency within America for bread which is a bit pants. Seriously, eat a sandwich with brown bread for once and bring a world of taste to your life.

Surely White Bread Isn’t All Bad?

Here are a list of atrocities and horror stories which have occurred since the existence of white bread:

  • World War I
  • World War II
  • World War III (let’s face it, it’ll happen eventually)
  • World War IIII (we don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, but this is overdue)
  • The Moon Landings (arguably the biggest injustice in human history)
  • Skinny jeans
  • Han Solo meeting an untimely fate

We’re not stating these were directly caused by white bread, but we are indicating they probably were. The evidence is clear if you’re willing to open your mind and accept it all. Firstly, look at history before white bread: dinosaurs.

They ruled the Earth for over 100 million years without white bread! Note the amount of disasters they endured: zero (apart from the monumental meteorite which destroyed them all when it struck the planet, probably in a prescient but failed attempt to wipe out white bread in the future). Go figure.

What’s the Solution?

Be normal – eat brown bread. Brown bread is made out of brown and other colourful nutrients, such as carbon monoxide and dandruff. Brown bread also just looks nicer, don’t you agree? A rustic brown bread sandwich – yum yum yum.

So, as you wolf down your carb heavy sandwich, you can, at least, kick back and contemplate how you’re stuffing healthier flour into your body. The results will be splendiferous: you’re giving a two-fingered salute to idiotic consumerism, but you’ll also be ensuring we don’t bring on the apocalypse. Awesome. Awesome to the max.

7 comments

  1. haha! love this. I want to love all those whole grains, throw in some nuts and seeds…still grilled cheese on wonder bread…yummy.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s