How time flies, eh? Like thyme flying in a kitchen, it sure does fly (like pigs and penguins). It’s been eight months since we ran our last dating columns! Here’s a review of our service last time out: “My date stole my wallet and was also a raging communist. Don’t trust Professional Moron, they’re a bunch of fu” we truncated this quote as this person got extremely cross for some reason.
Still, when there’s the chance for love there’s the chance for babies, eh? So ladies, if you want a sprog in your life to drain all of your free time and spare cash, here are some available bachelors who are looking for love. Some of them are quite normal, so take your pick you lucky women!
Men Seeking Women
HunkyHenry2447: I’m a big deal. I don’t suffer fools gladly and fools don’t suffer me gladly. There’s no suffering with me at all, just gladness. If you want to date a 5’2” hunk, I’m your hunk. I’m 100% hunk. No one’s hunkier! You hear?! That’s a goddamn fact! You want proof?!?! I can do 300 press ups in 5 minutes!! I’ve got abs of steel!! Thighs like tree trunks!!! A neck like one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s forehead stress veins! YOU SAYING I DON’T GOT THAT!? I CAN LIFT A CAR IF I WANNA! YOU DEFY ME?! A CAR! A GODDAMN CAR! I AM PURE HUNK!
henryDAhunk90zzz: Well, because my mummy keeps pointing out I’m hunky I’ve decided to consummate with a woman. I’m 42 and I am a postman. I post letters. Into boxes. Some boxes are really big. Some boxes are small. Some boxes I can’t get the letters in, so I furtively burn them. My hobbies include gargling mouthwash and molesting strangers. Get in touch!
ImBigBoned!: I’m not overweight it’s down to a glandular issue and a low metabolism, as opposed to chronic laziness or outright gluttony. I eat roughly 3,000/4,000 calories a day and have regular long walks averaging between 1 and 2 mph, which I’ve calculated burns about 100 calories a day at the rate I’m going. So my arse may be big, but my heart is bigger (in part due to early onset heart disease).
HippyStir: Please note my amazeballs name! ROFLMAO! I’m a self-confessed Hipster who likes to STIR things up in the relationship department! ROFLMAO! I’m 25, borderline emaciated, have 52 pairs of skinny jeans, and, OMG, I just love The Smiths! Get in touch if you like enormous beards, cos that’s the only thing enormous about me! ROFLMAO!
BandBrian: I’m in a band. I write songs about love and s***. It’s not about money we’re in it for the music and our first album (F*** This S***) will go to No.1. But it’s not about the money or the babes. It’s about the music. The local paper said we’re “horrific” but that OAP knows jack s***. If you want to be a hanger on hit me up. I will let you cradle my enormous hair affectionately.
Men Seeking Men
MassiveDong: I can’t say I have any particularly endearing personality traits. I’m extremely violent a lot of the time, but I can control this by unleashing psychotic outbursts of rage. I’m not really one for conversation. My hobby is vacant staring. However, as my dong is really massive I feel I’m due a steady line of hedonistic men (or “tarts” as I call them) to court and dismiss.
MrBelowAverageSize: I’ll be upfront in stating I am not well-endowed. However, I feel a relationship should be built on trust, love, and mutual respect – NOT on the enormity of one’s member. Not that this dominates my thoughts or anything. I mean, I’ve written essays and dissertations about it… I conducted a national average size survey, too, but I like to think I’m all man! 100% testosterone! I’m not at all pointlessly infatuated with this issue!
BaldMan72: So I lost my hair and my b***h wife left me which made me realise no woman can ever love me ever again, so I’ve gone gay because you lot like this sort of thing, right? So I want a straight up relationship. I’m not bent myself, I just want some company and figured homosexuals would be a decent place to start. A word of advice: I don’t do hugs. No hugging! Got it?!
HairyBloke4: I like hair and hate bald men. So only contact me if you have hair. I have a lot of it. Indeed, my lion’s mane is the talk of my inner circle of friends although, strangely, the hair where my left eyebrow should be never grew. So I glue a strand of my head hair onto that bit for a natural look. If you like hair as much as me, we’ll really get on!
MassiveManFeet16: You know what they say about massive man feet?! Horrific smells! HA! Yeah but seriously, I have this condition which means my man feet smell like the putrid aftermath of a cesspit colliding with a tractor pulling a load of manure. Many men may be put off by this, but I’m a very sweet and pleasant man who looks great and looks after himself. I’m also a Neo-Nazi sympathiser and I hate tolerance. THE ARYAN RACE IS REAL!