Professional Moron Dating Column: Women Seeking Men!

Men seeking women
Your darling lies within this post!

After yesterday’s freak show (Men Seeking Women), we’re back with the ladies! Yes, if you’re a bachelor you can pick from our hare-brained selection of halfwits, gibbering wrecks, weirdoes, and psychopaths. Why not? They’re all fine dames (apart from the one who’s obviously a man)!

Okay guys, control your frothing madness for just a few minutes and try and see past the outer experience. Inner beauty counts too, you know? Enjoy this  selection of mighty fine women and, ladies, other women in case you like women as well. Go on – flirt!

Women Seeking Men

MilitantFeminist: I’m a feminist. I don’t take any s*** off men because men are subhuman scum and should be wiped off the face of the planet through dubious methods. That said, I would like to find a cute, sweet, charming, funny, rich, handsome, gorgeous, hot, lovely, wonderful, brilliant, and amazing man to settle down with and have many babies. However, I WILL BE ABLE TO TELL IF YOU ARE A SEXIST PIG DOG! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

DamselInDistress: HEY GUYS lol!!!! I’m a bit of a girly girl really lol but I like to think I’m the ABSOLUTE CENTRE OF ATTENTION in most given situations lol. I’m fun lol down to earth lol and bubbly lol and I just want to be swept off my feet by a Knight in Shining Armour lol. Where are you, Sir Lancelot lol? Seriously… WHERE THE F*** ARE YOU?! 25 years I’ve been waiting! All I ****ing get is cheating scumbag MEN and their bloody LIES and ****ing CHEATING! BASTARDS! So… if you’re not a t*** please hit me up. lol

Blondie2222221 (this is potentially a man posing as a woman – approach with caution): Hey guy(s)! I’m a hot blonde babe. I like drinking lager, belching, and beating up opposing football team supporters. I’m no lager lout though as I have a sensitive side! I trim my hairy knuckles, recite poetry, and I have a tattoo which says “Arse Buttocks” on my arm. It’s a Chinese symbol. I thought it said “Peace” but it turns out the tattoo artist didn’t know what he was doing… call me!

HumbleBabe: I’m very down to Earth and don’t really have a type. I’m just looking for a nice man who is honest and is a gentleman. All I ask for is that he’s super good looking, rich, successful, confident, funny, well endowed, caring, kind, effeminate, macho, extroverted, introverted, sensitive, insensitive, knowledgeable, intelligent, witty, charming, and generous. I don’t like playing games but where are these REAL MEN!? Why do I always get jokers and idiots?!?!

MouseyUK: I’m a quiet, mouse-like woman who freaks out about most things. I don’t like wide open spaces or social situations, so we’ll have to go on dates in corridors leading into moderately sized rooms for this to work. Thanks!

Women Seeking Women

CareerWoman: I’m a career woman at heart but not at all a heartless SOB. I like to be number one and prove to everyone I know I am the best and that they’re all inferior to me. Whilst this makes me tedious company, I will be able to regale you with endless tales about my day job as we dine over wine and lobster on our date. I’ll bore you with pedantic details, you can get drunk, and the morning after you’ll have no idea what the hell happened.

CookWoman: I like cooking cake a lot and cook many cakes a day, I do. Cooking keeps the voices at bay and unleashes the demons which patrol my mind with the ferocity of a rampaging hound from the depths of hell! My cakes represent this demonic aspiration with pleasant images of bunny rabbits frolicking in fields, children playing in playgrounds, and slobbering 30ft hellspawn monsters which are hellbent on bringing humanity to justice!

DateWoman: I like dates (the fruit) and eat 300 of them a day. I want a woman who will join me on a date to discuss my date infatuation. So long as you don’t mind diabetes (the things sure are high in sugar!) we’ll have a great date talking about dates. KISSES!

MentallyUnstableLady: Hiya! HAHAHAH! Well, I like collecting empty containers and keeping them in my fridge freezers. I also collect magnets and keep them in my fridge freezers. Additionally, I collect fridge freezers to keep all of my magnets and empty containers in. Not sure why I signed up to this… the idiots who run this site forced me to. HAHAHA!

GAMERGIRL: Because I feel alienated from other cultural forms, I decided to become a gamer girl. I post YouTube videos about the latest hellishly bloodthirsty first person shooters wearing low-cut tops to expose my cleavage. This brings in my fanbase – moronic, petulant teenagers who can’t spell very well. If you’re also a gamer girl, let’s hookup and compare our online vitriolic abuse.

2 comments

  1. Well, you’ve really covered the viable options here. The PM Dating column is sure to be a success. However, I’m wondering if you’ve spoken to a lawyer……. just in case!

    • Don’t you worry, I conduct all of our legal defences as I am a fully untrained lawyer with no legal skills in the slightest. My tactic is to plead insanity at any given hearing and, typically, all charges are dropped.

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