Agony Aunt: “HELP! I can’t stop eating my wife’s mascara!”

Eating mascara
Oh so edible, apparently.

For many men, makeup is an unusual fascination they won’t acknowledge. Men can’t understand why anyone would thrash several thousand pounds a year on the stuff, whilst blokes sit back hypocritically thrashing thousands of pounds annually on beer, hair transplants, and curry. For some men, though, the fascination with women’s products has reached a new high.

We’re Not Making It Up!

Hi, Professional Moron. Okay, this is a little weird. I can't stop eating my wife's mascara. It's delicious! She's getting really pissed off with me, though, and my colleagues and friends are calling me "Black Death mouth" because my gums and teeth are stained. That's really pissing me off! So my relationship with my wife is strained because we're always so pissed off! Help! What should I do? Thanks, Brian.

Hi there, Brian! We must state this is an unprecedented case, so be prepared for us to belittle and condescend your bizarre actions throughout this post. Eating mascara is not the action of a sane citizen. Indeed, more appropriate behaviour would be chowing down on a lipstick bar under the misconception it’s one of those push pop things from the 1990s (“Don’t push me, push a push pop!”).

You have, at least, provided the answer to a longstanding question of ours: “If you eat mascara, do you die?” The answer to this is clearly a resounding “no”, so this is something mountaineers should consider taking with them as a last resort when (erm… we mean clearly mean “if”) they become stranded on Mount Everest.

Ingredients

Whilst women use mascara to make their lashes look, like, totally lush, men such as yourself clearly prefer consuming the stuff. What you’re putting into your body is as follows: carbon black/iron oxide pigment, polymer, preservatives, mineral oil, paraffin, petrolatum, castor oil (unrelated to Castor Troy from Face/Off), and candelilla wax (unrelated to Condoleeza Rice).

Rest assured, just because your friends are calling you “Black Death mouth” (we think a more fitting insult here would be “dumbass”) it does not mean what you’re doing is illegal. You simply need to use our largely liberal times to sway public favour in your direction. Make it clear to who you know you’re not a freak, merely a man on a tasty mission. We have a simple solution for this.

A Group Spiking

One solution to your woes is to start spiking your friends, family, and wife with mascara. In fact, to make them accept you for who you are, invite them all round for a big get together. Apologise for your recent erratic behaviour and self-deprecate liberally – dress up as a black death victim (replete with unsightly buboes) and make a big fuss about wearing mascara.

Then, as you cook up their meal (we recommend a hot pot), tip in a load of mascara and leave to cook until ready. Upon serving, if they ask why their meal is jet black, simply report you accidentally burnt the meal, but it should still be largely edible.

You can land the mascara revelation upon them after they’re all full, which should conveniently follow on from their proclamations of how nice it all was. Be prepared for a belligerent response. Some of them may begin puking uncontrollably in disgust, plus there might be the odd expletive or odd bit of physical violence thrown in your direction. Whatever, you’ll have taught them a lesson and you’ll soon be known as the “Black Death mouth family”, which at least means you won’t be singled out.

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