It’s totally en vogue to complain about men these days. We don’t mind it, you know. Why? Because we’re men. We take everything with stoic reserve. Football team just lost? Go on a psychotic rampage! Some bloke knocked your pint over? Get him in an armlock! Girlfriend not doing the dishes? Call her a slag! Totally stoic, man, which is what you sometimes need when dealing with stupid big man feet.

Stupid Big Man Feet

Heya, Professional Moron. I could wax lyrical, but I'll get right to it. My boyfriend is wonderful most of the time (I'd say about 72% of the time he is wonderful, the rest of the time he's a waste of space), but I'm physically repulsed by his stupid big man feet and how bad they smell. They're so massive I fall over them like, literally, all the time! In the last year I've broken my collarbone thrice, shattered my pelvis, and pierced an eardrum, all down to his stupid feet! What should I do? Yours with fondest kind regards, Linda (no, not that one from the Terminator films).

Hi, Linda! Many men are subconsciously self-conscious about their feet as they know they are cumbersome and a relentless annoyance to society.

However, man feet do prove useful. Without them, for example, we wouldn’t have won many wars. True, the wars wouldn’t have started in the first place, but then humanity (or, at least, mankind) wouldn’t exist without man feet.

In this respect, we must totally diss out your flagrant contempt for man feet and indicate you’re a heinous swine for bringing the humble foot into disrepute. We’ll still help you out. But, we must warn you, you’ll still need a feat (!!) of manly prowess to manage this one.

How to Start a Chainsaw

You’re going to need a chainsaw. We can recommend the Husqvarna 236 petrol driven number, which packs a power output of some 1.3kW and has a 14″ chain. Wowza! This thing will put some hair on your eyebrows, lady!

Of course, it may prove difficult to get consent from the love of your life to hack his lower extremities from his body. Worse still, you may need to repeatedly politely ask your boyfriend to start the chainsaw for you before you partially decapitate him.

To overcome any problems he has with this, casually remind him not to worry as this is something you’ll be able to have a good laugh about eventually (after all the court appearances, bitter acrimony, and rehabilitation therapy he’ll have to endure).

If he refuses, chloroform him and carry out the operation with gusto, kind of like Dexter does in that TV series Dexter. Hack his feet off with the chainsaw (it gets bloody messy – just make sure he’s unconscious, otherwise the screaming gets irritating) and you’ll be set for life.

Unless you split up, of course. There is a chance he may be miffed with you post-decapitation, so be prepared for the inevitable strop or “we’re over!” statement.

Post-Break Up Blues

So your boyfriend left you because you hacked his feet off with a chainsaw? Boo hoo. We’ve all been there, sister, get over it! You’ll need to go on the hunt for a new boyfriend, but prowling the streets with a blood-stained chainsaw is a somewhat flawed way to attract a new mate.

We recommend you take to internet dating and specify, thoroughly, in your bio description (amongst other bold claims such as “Where’s my Knight in Shining armour!?”) your next dude must have less obnoxious tootsies.

Most men will probably ignore this information, though, so perhaps drop hints about the bloodbath which awaits them should they not adhere to your perfectly adequate expectations. You know, something like: “If I find out you’re lying, you will die in agony!” That sort of thing. Best of luck, Linda!