Breaking News: Lack of Drunken Football Riots Investigated by FA

Drunken football riots
Go on, my son!

The Football Association (FA) has held emergency talks in London following a disturbing lack of drunken football riots in 2017, it has emerged. Prince William, the Duke of Cambridge, is the President of the FA and he announced today his intention to: “spread drunken chaos, disorder, and superfluous mayhem back onto the streets of England… and, no, I’m not on about Brexit!”.

Football riots are famous in the UK, but there are fears amongst right wingers this national tradition is dying out due to multiculturalism and progressivism. Feminism, in particular, has been blamed for the diminishment of violent brawls, with UKIP’s Nigel Farage lamenting the lack of broken limbs and destroyed city centres. He allegedly grunted: “immigration and feminazis are responsible for fewer football riots, which is making God angry.”

An Ode to Football Riots

The first football riot occurred in 1666 at the Battle of Hastings when England lost to the Norman-French 300-0. Outraged supporters took to the streets to get wasted and smash the place up a bit, which is now considered one of England’s finest traditions.

Alarmingly, there have been hints English supporters are being particularly well behaved thus far in 2017. A concerned Prince William, in this morning’s address, went on to state:

"Our main concern right now is innocent people aren't being assaulted by drunken football hooligans bellowing "The referee's a wanker!", "You startin'? YOU STARTIN'?", or "I'm gonna bloody do you in, mate!". These are cherished football experiences young and old alike should not be missing out on. The exhilerating feeling of a pint glass gashing your skull open should be experienced by all, not just working class yobbos."

The current plan from the FA is to hand out free bottles of beer, lager, cheap cider, and vodka as fans head into matches. Wayne Rooney of Manchester United condoned these efforts to bring the heart of the sport back to the fans. He said:

"It's not been good not seeing people beating the living shit out of each other. I miss the negative press coverage, screams of pain, sense of hopelessness, and desire to join in. Instead, you see orderly queues outside grounds and people getting on. Back in my day, you couldn't go more than three minutes without a full scale riot! So, I reckon getting everyone wasted before the kick off is a great way to bring back the psychotic violence we all crave."


Football hooligans have welcomed the return of irrationality, indicating they are eager to kick off this weekend with wanton bloodshed and lunacy. Bob Smith, president of the National Football Hooligan Association (NFHA), released an official statement this afternoon:

"We at the NFHA gladly welcome and accept the opportunity to kick your ****ing head in simply for arbitrarily supporting a different team. Thanks to loony lefty libtards, an English institution had been ruined and order and morality were prevailing, but now this ruling puts the football hooligans back in charge and, as God and baby Jesus as my mother ****ing witness, we are going to smash shit up!"

Professional Moron is happy to report its staff will, too, be indulging in smashing up city centre cafes until we are gunned down by water cannons. Nothing quite brings out one’s patriotic joy than when one sees fully geared riot police storming the local vicinity. Truly, it makes one proud to be British!

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