This week a human female contacted us about lions and how her man bloke is in constant need for them. Confused? So were we until we contacted The Queen of England for some insights.

We didn’t get a response from Her Majesty, so then we just worked it out ourselves. It took a week, so sorry for the belated response agony aunt person who sent us this wildly rambling message.

Lions

Hi, Professional Moron! I have a problem with my boyfriend, although this is a bit of a weird one. Good things about him? He's got a job and his penis size is adequate, but there's one really annoying thing he keeps doing near the end of the week!

He'll go all like, "Babe, I want a lion this weekend. Two lions would be amazing, what do you think?" 

I'm thinking, like... WTF? What lions? We live in a studio flat there's no room for a hamster nevermind a lion! I get the feeling he's watched The Jungle Book or the Lion King one two many times, you know? 

Anyway I figured it's because I started this exercise routine recently, yeah? I gained five stone after a three month binge on potato waffles. That's all I ate for three months. 

So now I'm getting up at 6am each day to go for a run around the estate. Between attempted muggings and homeless people asking for spare change, I feel happy about my weight loss. This one bloke said I was "Not bad looking... *depraved retching and coughing fit*" just yesterday. 

And since then my boyfriend's been all, "This weekend, yeah, lions would be great." So he wants a pet so he can reconnect with me, that's my deduction.

But I'm really confused. Why a lion? What's wrong with a dog like a labrador? So I did some research into how I could get a lion, other than visiting the zoo and kidnapping one. I found out you can keep a lion as an "exotic pet" here. Step one completed.

Step two is tougher. How do I get one? So I, again, asked my boyfriend why he wanted a lion, "Babe, because I'm tired and it's the weekend!" 

As you might expect a confused silence followed. I told him that's not really an adequate demand for a lion. 

He stared at me funny and said, "Babe, what the **** are you talking about?!" I yelled back at him, "What the **** am I talking about!? You're the one who wants lions!" And he yelled back, "Well, yeah, I work hard all week stacking them supermarket shelves, I just want a lion during my days off, you crazy bitch!" 

And I screamed at him, "BUT WHY A LION?!?! Where are we even gonna keep it?!" And he bellowed, "What do you mean?! Where!? Where else do you have a lion!? In the bed, where else you stupid bloody woman!?!" And I became a bit hysterical at that point, because there's no way... NO WAY am I keeping a lion in my bed. I may well love that man, but there are certain things I won't commit myself to. You gotta have standards, am I right? 

I tried to calm down and I explained to him I would not keep a lion in my bed. And he just looked more furiously confused than ever saying, "Well where else do you have a lion?!" And I said, "Erm, well, you know, in a cage at the zoo!"

Now he gave me a really funny look over that one. Very funny. He went a bit pale as well. "Babe," he says, "On what ****in' planet do you think you need a lion in a zoo?" 

Now at that point I figured he must be having, like, an animal activist moment. I didn't know he was one. But I tried to calm him down and said, "Hunny, look it's totally normal to have lions at the zoo. When we was kids people were there all the time loving it! Kids and everything and our kids will do the same." And he looked at me real odd. "What? So if... we had kids, you'd expect lions at the zoo? With our kids? Do you know how dangerous they are?" And I lost it big time screaming, "WELL YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTS LIONS IN OUR BED! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!?!" 

Looking a bit dazed he put his jacket on and left the flat, returning 20 minutes later with a litre of gin. He started drinking that straight away with a, kind of, glazed look of concern on his face. Was the terror of letting a lion into his flat finally hitting home? I don't know, he left the next day and hasn't returned.

I guess I'll have to buy the lions. What do you think?! Should I get one on the black market!? Or should I just go to the cinema with him and watch the Lion King remake to put him off? Ta, Staci

Hi, Staci. There’s a strong possibility he may be reffering to lie ins. That means to stay in bed for longer than one normally would. It’s a popular habit at weekends. Hope this roars (sorts) out your dilemma.