It’s common for board game enthusiasts to beat the living shit out of each other upon losing a game.

But what happens if that keeps ruining your various marriages? Today’s human female needs our help!

MonopolOW!

Hi, I need help because many of my marriages keep ending due to my fits of violence because of board game losses. This has been going on for decades! I need help!!

Me and my first husband were playing Monopoly when I landed on his hotel at Mayfair and went bankrupt. In a rage, I punched him in his stupid grinning face, breaking his nose and dislodging his two front teeth. That were in 1984.

With my next husband, in 1990, we were playing snakes and ladders when I landed on a ladder and went back to the start gifting him an easy victory. He was elated, I was furious, and I violently kicked him in his bollocks. He was in hospital for a month and divorced me once out.

With my third husband in 1995 we were playing Risk when he took what I thought to be too much of a risk but then defeated my army. Furious, I grabbed the dice and rammed them up his arse. I spent some time in jail for that one.

I then married a guy who loved Buckaroo and that ended when I leapt into the air and karate kicked him. That was 2001. He was in rehabilitation for months! Then he divorced me.

My next husband and I got real competitive over Hungry, Hungry Hippos. One day he managed to beat me in 10 seconds flat.

While he sat there grinning I grabbed his stupid, smug head and jammed it into one of the hippos and didn’t stop it chomping away until my husband’s nose was gone! Back to jail I went with that one.

My sixth husband loved chess but I found it too mentally challenging. My tactic was to get one of the prawns on the far left and get it all the way up to his first prawn. Then I’d repeat that for every single prawn, right up to the other prawns of his.

He said my tactic was “cretinous” so I picked him up and threw him out of our living room window (he’s a small man).

For my present husband, Marshall, he hates board games. I’m not sure why I married him and I'm now fearful of his preference for video games such as Tetris. I go to bed each night with a chainsaw for protection.

I quite like him but fear I may need to cleave him in half. How do I make my seventh marriage a success?! Regards, Mildred

Hi there, Mildred. Gosh, you’ve got a history of violence there haven’t you? In moments of failure, it’s best to show fortitude and accept your loss with good grace.

Of course you probably should have started doing that around 1984, but better late than never, eh?

Old habits die hard, we guess, but it you keep mutilating your husbands in fits of spoiled brat rage then they’re really not going to want to stay with you. That should be clear by now.

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You have to remember marriage is about love. The snuggums between one person and another (or a bloke and a wombat, if he’s a bit weird) is like… the way Buckaroo rests on the board.

But the best way to break out of your current frenzies is to acknowledge your problem and embrace a new way of life.

Seeing as you now have a chainsaw in your possession, consider the lilies… sorry, consider these:

• Chainsaw Chess: It’s chess, but with chainsaws. You’ll need a bigger boat… sorry, board for this to accommodate for the 16 chess pieces. Which are, of course, chainsaws in our version. You get them all revving and you play chess as normal, but while trying not to decapitate each other.
• Chainsaw Monopoly: The same as above, with the chainsaws are there for the dice, hotels, houses, and Get Out Of Jail Free cards.
• Chainsaw Cluedo: Get into the spirit of the game! Murder someone in your household with the chainsaw, then try to work out who killed the victim. It’s you, but will your partner realise that!? Do note, this will result in a lengthy prison sentence for yourself.
• Chainsaw Scrabble: Try and play Scrabble as normal, except to the sounds of highly distracting chainsaws revving away. Spelling chiaroscurist suddenly got a tad more difficult, eh?
• Chainsaw Battleships: Fed up of not being able to see your opponents plans? Chainsaw the partition apart and bask in the glory of knowledge!

A chainsaw heavy motif, sure, but that’s the only way to save your marriage! Best of luck, Mildred. You’re going to need it.