Agony Aunt: “HELP! My husband keeps wetting the bed!”

An unmade bed in the dark
Is it wet yet?

Since the dawn of time, man has wet the bed. The problem usually stops before the age of 30, but some men keep on doing it.

This is due to laziness and/or psychological issues. Today’s human female has a human male from wedlock who has this issue. So, we’re here to help her help him stop piddling him and herself.

How to Stop Your Husband From Wetting the Bed

Dear Agony Aunt. How are you? I'm covered in urine again. No, I don't work in a toilet, it's just my husband wets the bed. As in, he has a bed wetting problem. To confirm, when he falls asleeps his bladder comes awake and evacuates itself. 

This would be fine if we had an unstable marriage and slept in separate rooms. However, we get on pretty well and so I'm with him when he does his bed wetting.

When this started a year ago, he blamed me for it. "Bitch!" He roared as he woke up, "You've pissed yourself!" He kept blaming me night after night, until one night I stayed up all night until he started doing it, then shoved him violently and made him acknowledge it was his problem.

Still, he spent another six months denying it. He said it was me tipping my urine on him during the night. 

However, recently he went on holiday with his mates to Ibiza and he kept doing it there, so all his mates now call him "Piss The Bed Pete". Pretty funny, really.

Anyway, he's pretty upset about that now because wherever he goes with his mates they take the piss out of him. Which is quite apt, really. 

But it doesn't help me. Every morning I wake up and it's all damp and gross and smelly. And I don't just mean my husband in general, just mainly the bed wetting activities. 

My husband suggested he get a vasectomy to "end the matter" and I agreed. However, he's had the operation and he's still pissing the bed! What sorcery is this?!

We're now convinced his gonad region is possessed by the devil and have invited a priest into the house to perform an exorcism on my husband, his genitals, our bed, and the bedroom. 

If that fails, we'll have to sell our house and move to somewhere where you can only sleep in hammocks. Or can you suggest otherwise? Thanks, Judy

Hello Judy! Male bed wetters sure are the worst. If we ran the world, we’d designate a tiny island off the UK to dump them all on. Bed Wetter Island, we’d call it.

It’d be like the Count of Monte Cristo, you know? They’d all be out there wetting the prison beds and plotting to escape and infiltrate normal society again.

That’s how dangerous these individuals are. We suggest you divorce your husband immediately, change identity, and escape to a different country (or planet, if possible).

However, if you’re in “love” (*nausea overload*) with him, then you may feel the compulsion to stick around. More fool you.

If that’s your dumb decision, then we recommend you make him sleep in one of those body bags you always see at crime scenes.

In there, his foul bodily functions will only affect him. Just be sure to cut in some air holes so he doesn’t suffocate during the night. All the best, Judy!

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