Greetings! Welcome to Ask Dr. Moron. This is us trying out a new series as, with our extensive medical knowledge, we’d like to help the wider world.
We’re not qualified doctors, per se, but we used to watch ER, saw every episode of House, and have read Blood and Guts: A Short History of Medicine. Twice.
So, without further ado, we’re starting off with an easy one today. It’s all about the white things in your mouth.
Overcoming a Wobbly Tooth
Disclaimer: Please note, we ARE NOT trained medical professionals and all of the advice in this feature is terrible and WILL NOT work.
Dear Dr. Moron, I'm Stuart. And I have a problem with my front tooth because it's wobbling A LOT! It isn't painful, although my gums are a bit sore, but otherwise I'm scared it'll drop out of my mouth and I'll look stupid afterward. I have a big meeting at work next week. I need to talk about profit margins and why I deserve a promotion. I can't stand there with a gaping hole between my teeth! Worse, what if it makes a whistle?! I know what you're thinking, "He probably just sits about gorging on sweets, fizzy drinks, and fast food!" Well, yeah, but I also have GREAT dental hygiene thank you very much! I brush my teeth three times daily and use mouthwash, of which I drink three litres a week to ensure my gob is pristine clean. Why, you could eat your dinner off of my gob it's that germ-free! I'll admit I tried some DIY dental things on it yesterday. I prodded at it with a sharp knife thinking I could, maybe, just extricate it and take a look at what's wrong. But when I started stabbing at my gum to remove the object, that REALLY hurt so I had to stop as my screams of agony were making my tinnitus play up. Then I tried pulling it out with my fingers, but my neighbours started complaining about my ongoing screaming. So I had to stop. Later, I got the vacuum cleaner out of storage and yanked the nozzle off. I jammed that to the tooth and put it on maximum power. Well, the tooth stayed put but the nozzle got a hold of my tongue and almost sucked it straight out of my face! That led to me panicking... which is why I'm turning to you for advice! So... I'm at a loss. Help me! Regards, Stuart
Hello, Stuart. You’re referring to your central incisor, which is one of the most essential organs in the human body.
It wasn’t wise to stab at it with a blade. That was, in fact, very foolish. You’d be better off with just punching yourself in the face until the tooth is dislodged.
Or use the tried and tested technique of wrapping string around the offending incisor, attaching the string to a door handle, and slamming the door shut.
However, the “wobbly” aspect of this issue suggests far worse implications. We suggest you have scurvy. Probably due to drinking so much mouthwash.
Mouthwash is not a foodstuff and provides little in the form of nutrients. You need vitamin c, which is in abundance across foodstuffs such as mint flavoured mouthwash.
As such, if you buy that (instead of just downing Listerine) then you’ll find this will ease your wobbly tooth dilemma.
Last Resort Teeth Removal Tactics
Failing the above, you’ll have to resort to desperate measures. This will require a friend and/or acquaintance. You must:
- Acquire a large vehicle (such as a car or van).
- Lie down on a road—ensure you’re comfortable.
- Have your friend/acquaintance drive at speed at you.
- Ensure they drive one wheel over your head (do note, this will likely knock you out cold).
- Your friend/acquaintance will dial for an ambulance.
- You’ll come to weeks down the line in a hospital bed. Probably with the whole tooth issue resolved.
Remember, you can then have a crown fitted to replace the gap in your mouth. This way, you’ll still look fabulous.
We recommend a gold tooth. This way you’ll look the part, even when you become an old fart.