Agony Aunt: “Join the Masters of Marzipan cult!”

An assortment of fun marzipan shapes for a dessert.
Join the cult!

Last week a human female was bemoaning her husband joining a cult—the Masters of Marzipan. This week, that very husband was in touch to bemoan his wife, the human female from last week, and her refusal to join the cult.

Confusing? Not really, you just need to think about it a little. Or read on below as we masterfully resolve this most pressing familial calamity.

When Your Wife Won’t Join a Cult

Dear sir or madam. I read your so called "agony aunt" piece last week on your so called "website" with your so called "agony aunt".

Pathetic! That is the only thing I can say to you. Absolutely pathetic!

You informed my wife to JOIN me in our cult and be as one as a family. Wrong! Just plain wrong and so typical of the IGNORANCE of those not bestowed with love from the Great Marzipan.

Sir, I do not wish my wife to join the cult. She has to merge with the cult. And the way to achieve this is to bake her into a giant marzipan cake, thusly she will become imbued with magnificent marzipan.

Only then can she ENTER the cult. But she REFUSES to let me bake her into a cake. What's the matter with her? You only end up with third-degree burns and loads of gunk up your nostrils and ears.

You, sir, too should join us. Join us! Your life is putrid and empty until you've been touched by the mighty love of marzipan. These are are principles:

- Marzipan is love.
- Marzipan is God.
- Marzipan.
- Marzipan is all that matters.
- There is no death—only marzipan.
- Become marzipan by baking thyself into a cake.
- Sundays off.

Yes, the Sundays off bit is a new principle of ours. Because preaching 24/7, 365 does get a bit exhausting. Several of us were suffering serious burnout from out 21 hour days preaching the word of marzipan.

So, these days, we're off on Sunday. And you can find me down the pub cadging a cheeky pint and ogling hot women.

The rest of the time it's all about marzipan. Join us. I await your application letter. Regards, Gerald of the Masters of Marzipan

Hi, Gerald. Thanks for your offer, but we’ll have to politely turn you down on that one. After a recent alien abduction, we were warned about your cult. 

We were warned it’s sickly sweet and icky. The aliens told us to NOT join your cult, so we won’t join your cult. We apologise for this. 

However, feel free to join the cult we’re starting soon! It’s about hamsters

Our Hamster Cult

Yes, we’re starting a movement to unite hamster fans around the world! You can read our pet hamsters guide for a few pointers there.

We’re taking a draconian approach to the cult. Hamsters may be sweet natured and inquisitive little beasts, but we’re total morons. As such, our principles are:

  • Buy a pet hamster, or have your eyebrows shaved off as punishment. 
  • Feed your pet hamster organic pumpkin seeds, or be shot from a cannon into the Sun. 
  • Coo and baby talk at your cute pet hamster, or face 50 lashings from a rusty chain. 
  • Let your hamster run about in a hamster sphere once daily, or be jammed with a cattle prod.
  • Keep your hamster’s cage in a quiet and clean area, or be punched in the face
  • Monthly congregations in city centres to riot and loot shops, just for the hell of it.

That’s about it, really. Pretty straightforward. Join the cult! We promise you won’t have to die in this one. It’s just a bit of fun.

Apart from the looting. That bits deadly serious, because we want to refurnish our flat.

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