Back to our inventing ways! This time out we’ve come up with a type of bed that ensures bread becomes something more than just a culinary delight.

As sleeping shouldn’t just be about getting a decent night of rest. It should also slake any early morning snacking and/or need to take a trip to the supermarket.

The result? The type of bed that has the crusts on, mixed with seeds to ensure you’re only ever going to snore your way through to breakfast in bed.

What’s the Bread Bed?

It’s the edible bed of your dreams! Soft, comfy, and prone to mould infestations, it’s all you need for a great night of sleep.

The concept is simple. It’s a bed made out of wholemeal flour—baked in the oven to a tasty, crispy, yet soft and fleshy bed.

You can add normal duvet/pillows to this situation. Or you can also buy our:

• Patented bread pillows.
• Patented bread duvet.
• Complimentary houmous dip (you don’t have to buy this, it’s free).

The bread bed is available in toasted or non-toasted form. It depends how demented you are, really.

If you’re one of those sickos who likes a harsh, brutal experience then you’ll go for the toasted variety.

Or if you like a pleasant bout of sleepy bo-bos then you’ll go with the non-toasted.

When we demonstrated the bread bed at a virtual conference recently, we were openly jeered by the audience. “You stupid pillock!” One guy yelled at our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif.

Undeterred, we’ve pushed ahead and these are ready for market at £100 a bed.

Put your order into today and we’ll bake your bread bed up right here at the Professional Moron factory (our office in Manchester—we’ve hired a big oven).

Just to note, on a health and safety front, a few issues we’re legally obliged to flag up:

• After a few weeks the bread bed does begin festering with mould.
• It will attract local vermin, including giant and angry rats (clearly they’re jealous of how ace the furniture implement is).
• After several months the bread bed will be in a serious state of decay.

So, you’ll need to buy a new one from us every fortnight or so. Three weeks if you don’t mind sleeping whilst rats crawl all over you.

Also Upcoming—Our Water Bread Bed

If you’re one of those simpletons who likes water beds, then we’ve got a flour and yeast version heading right your way.

We have to say, early test runs with his were disastrous.

Typically, the water begins leaking from the bread pretty rapidly. Or the bed soaks up the water and becomes a spongey mess.

Our apprentice tried jumping on his water bread bed after it’d spongeified and crashed through the lot and slammed violently into the ground. He’s in hospital with a broken arm.

Rest assured, we’ll work hard to make sure we launch this product in Q2 2021.

Just be aware that early projections of the water bread bed suggest you’ll need to buy a new one from us every three days.

But don’t worry! They only cost £500! A bargain in this day and age. Sweet breads (dreams)!