Dandruff at Work: Managing Your Employees’ Scalp Issues

A male employee standing and staring at a whiteboard of information—he has no dandruff
“Three months of research and I finally have no more dandruff!” Said Bob, the young web designer.

Dandruff in the workplace is unsightly and can leave many staff members disgusted and puking. This is bad for productivity.

It’s essential your business tackles dandruff and eradicates the bits of dead flaky skin from your working environment. Here’s how you can do that.

The Laws on Dandruff at Work

Dandruff is a virus that causes the human scalp to shred debris. This comes in the form of white bits that are flaky.

Dandruff is coarse, rough, and irritating. It gets everywhere. It’s affected even the greatest human beings on Earth, such as Genghis Khan and Vlad the Impaler.

However, despite its lofty history, it has no place in the modern working environment. If the CEO doesn’t have dandruff, there’s no excuses for freeloading employees.

Much like nail picking in the workplace or sneezing at work, there’s a disgust meter that determines the scale of grossness.

This is dictated by the one and only Act regarding dandruff in working environments—the Dandruff at Work Act 1971. This states:

“Dandruff is not to be tolerated in the workplace. If you get any hippies telling you that it is not fair, remind them you have total jurisdiction over their being and can have them executed if you so wish. This is not actually legal for employers, but the hippy will be too stoned to know otherwise and in 9/10 cases will relent due to narcotics-based paranoia.”

There’s also the Grossness at Work Act 1972. This sets out the five workplace grossness principles (keep in mind tolerance attitudes were a tad different in the 1970s) and goes as follows:

  1. Grotesquely Putrifying: A fireable offence. This can include fouling yourself at work, throwing up on your boss, or wearing flip-flops.
  2. Goddamn Disgusting: Clogging the toilet at work is one of the worst offenders on this list.
  3. Horrible: This is things like employees smelling of tobacco, BO, or man feet.
  4. A Bit Gross: If someone has snot dribbling from their nose. In the right circumstances it may prove endearing, but is usually a bit… well, gross.
  5. Acceptable Levels of Putrescence: This can include nose hair, ear hair, and things like spinach getting stuck in teeth.

Dandruff at work fits on the #2 scale, with severe cases slotting into #1. As you can see, this determines dead skull flakes as a severe threat to your business.

As such, you should draft anti-dandruff measures to protect yourself from potential bankruptcy.

How to Eradicate Dandruff at Work

Your business will need to take a no holds barred approach to dead skin flakes in the pursuit of a pure workplace.

The best approach is to use anti-dandruff shampoo, which you’ll need to disseminate to your workforce en masse.

No screwing around here, please, your business is on the line. It may cost a lot, but this is make or break time.

As such, you’ll need to purchase around 1,000 bottles of anti-dandruff shampoo to fend off potential disaster.

We suggest the £10 industry-leader Philip Kingsley Flaky/Itchy Scalp Anti-Dandruff Shampoo. If you have 100 employees, this will only cost your business £1,000 a week.

Per annum, this is a total budget of £52,000.

That total may seem excessive and some would suggest it’s a waste of precious overhead, but think of it like this.

If you don’t make the sacrifice, dandruff will ultimately engulf your working environment. Employees won’t be able to move for the stuff and will become entombed on your premises.

Your business will shut down.

Your reputation will be in ruins.

Within 12 months you’ll be living on the streets penniless and hopeless. The ultimate final cruel twist of fate? You’ll be plagued with dandruff.

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