Mouthwash at Work: The Law on Letting Your Employees Gargle

A cartoon depiction of Listerine mouthwash
Should your staff gargle?

Mouthwash (antiseptic liquid for the human gob) is a contentious issue in many working environments. Should it banned? Should it be allowed?

It’s debated heavily, along with other hot topics such as eating apples at work.

In this guide, we explore and postulate on the nature of gargling mouthwash in a working environment.

These ruminations can help to formulate the policy you use at your business, determining whether staff members can stay minty fresh (or not).

Is Mouthwash Allowed at Work?

Mouthwash is allowed at work, there are no laws blocking your employees. They can even drink directly from a bottle of Listerine, if they so wish.

These rules are set by the Mouthwash at Work Act 1992. It stipulates:

“Employees wishing to gargle mouthwash at work may do so in suitable situations. Gargling must be:

a) Done in private quarters (such as the male or female bathroom).

b) Not completed in dangerous situations, such as when driving heavy machinery on a construction site.

c) Not accidentally spewed into a customer’s meal, if you run a restaurant.

It is imperative that the mouthwash remains in the gargler’s mouth at all times. It should only leave their mouth when spat into a sink.

Employees most not gob mouthwash over their colleagues, superiors, and/or stakeholders.”

As such, you may want to carefully consider whether to allow your workforce to openly use mouthwash. Excessive use of these products at work can lead to:

  • Antipathy between colleagues who prefer to just brush their teeth.
  • Enormous company budget losses to mouthwash products.
  • The stench of minty fresh breath.
  • An environment where yodelling at work seems suitable (due to the confidence in a lack of bad breath), leading to productivity ruining yodelling.
  • Mouthwash addiction—a terrifying condition where addicts’ lives collapse due to minty fresh breath.

Indeed, for the last point you’ll need to keep an eye out for signs of mouthwash addiction. Key indicators include:

  • Pestering colleagues for mouthwash.
  • Talking about nothing else except mouthwash.
  • Frothing at the mouth.
  • Gargling anything in sight.
  • Handing in business reports covered in mouthwash.
  • Listerine-based hallucinations.

To ensure such dilemmas don’t arise in your business, you’ll need a policy to keep your most vulnerable employees safe.

Your Business’ Policy on Mouthwash at Work

Even though it may appear patronising towards staff, it’s good business practice to dispense mouthwash to employees in tiny melamine ramekins.

This’ll ensure there isn’t overuse of the liquid dentistry product in your workplace.

In your policy, which you should hand immediately to new starters upon joining your business, state along the lines of:

“While we consider it noteworthy for you to want to keep your teeth looking pure, and your breath like a field populated with 1,000 daffodils, we also consider it essential to indicate mouthwash destroys lives (and ruins productivity).

This essential caveat is and an outlier. We want our employees to look the part. We want our employees to use mouthwash. We also DO NOT want employees addicted to minty mouthwash flavours, dribbling all over the floor between bouts of gargling the CEO’s soup lunch in a mistaken bout of mouthwash-based withdrawal.

As such, the dissemination of melamine ramekins each morning, with a spoonful of mouthwash, will suffice for your daily intake.

This will be distributed at the front door as you enter the building.”

It’s good business practice to provide a spittoon near the front door, although you can also encourage staff members to just gob on the floor.

After all, that’s why you hire a janitor. They’ll clean up the mess for you and you can bask in the glory of your successful mouthwash policy.

Clamping Down on Dental Floss

If maverick employees wish to flout your rules by using dental floss (i.e. furtively sneaking into the toilets to floss their teeth), clamp down violently on those bastards.

Don’t tolerate insubordination! Dental floss is, potentially, a lethal weapon and poses a serious threat to the health and safety of your workforce.

As such, ban floss from your property. However, make it clear candyfloss isn’t affected and can be consumed on your premises.

Under the Candyfloss at Work Act 1971 it’s illegal to stop an employee from eating candyfloss at any time of the day.

Luckily, most employees don’t know about this Act and so don’t adhere to it.

So, try and keep it schtum to avoid a sudden proliferation of candyfloss at your business.

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