February 7, 2022Mr. Wapojif

Agony Aunt: “Can a shed REALLY save our marriage!?”

A pretty garden shed in a nice neighbourhood
That’s definitely a marriage saving shed.

Remember that Jerry Maguire line, “You had me at hello“? Well, think about it but with “hello” replaced by “sheds”.

If that still doesn’t make sense, just remember sheds are very useful things. They’ve been proven as highly effective storage units for things like spades.

Whilst that’s fantastic, today’s human female is confused about why her husband of 25 years is insistent a shed will save their marriage. Let’s take a look!

Sheds to the Rescue (of your marriage)

Dear Agony Aunt. At my wedding 25 years ago, my husband gave me this card in the post-ceremony piss-up: 

"True love stands by each other’s side on good days and stands closer on bad days. And on terrible days that's when you'll find me in the shed."

That seemed a little weird at the time and I just put it down to his drunkenness. Because shortly after that he puked all over the floor. But, like... sheds? I showed it to my mother and she just tutted and shook her head. I asked her what it meant and she said, "In time. In time, young one."

Well 25 years later and I think back to that card because our marriage is on the rocks. He's a fat and bald bastard and I'm sick of the sight of him! Meanwhile he says he's sick of the sight of me... and that's why he's bought a shed. 

He proudly showed it to me in our garden one day. "What's that?" I asked. "It's a shed!" He said. "Yes, but why?" I asked. "That... will save our marriage..." And he tapped his nose knowingly. 

Well I rang my mother up to ask what it meant and she said, "In time, young one. In time." And I said, "Mother, I'm fifty five years old." And she hung up on me. 

Anyway, he spends all his time in the shed now and I only ever see him about 15 minutes a day. He comes to bed, gets in, and is snoring in a matter of minutes. 

The weird thing is... this whole thing could well save our marriage if it keeps on like this. It's great! So, is this a fuss over nothing? Yours, Henrietta

Hi Henrietta! We can, indeed, attest to the magnificent capacity sheds have to save marriages.

It’s truly miraculous. Enough to bring a tear to one’s eyeballs.

The trick to a long lasting marriage is to ensure you stay the hell away from each other as much as possible. Extended periods of time, you know?

Thusly, this limits the amount of time you can grow to detest the sight of each other.

There are myriad other ways a shed can improve your married life, too. Here are some of the highlights:

  • The shed should encourage delightful conversations about gardening, such as about daffodils and the like.
  • Sheds double up as a bomb shelter. In the event of WWIII, this’ll save you time and further elongate your marriage.
  • You can store your pesticides in the shed, an appropriate home ALONGSIDE YOUR NO GOOD HUSBAND.
  • That’s about it, really.

However, consider buying our invention the teapot shed.

It’s a great little thing and will also encourage your layabout husband to make a proper brew every now and then.

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