Rebels Without a Subordinate Clause: TV Shows That Never Were

Rebels Without a Subordinate Clause

James Dean made a name for himself in Rebel Without a Cause. Now, there’s the landmark grammatical sequel Rebels Without a Subordinate Clause.

Following hot in the footsteps of smash hit grammar sensation Buffy the Ampersand Slayer, the show stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and others as they battle to ensure their rebellious ways aren’t ruined by subordinate clauses; thusly, they may be able to cling to their youth for all eternity.

Ready for some exceptional primetime viewing? Want to learn more about pedantic grammar rules? This show is for you!

The Case For Subordinate Clauses in Primetime Television

Semi-colons aren’t typically thought of as the type of thing that makes for award-winning television. But that was before Rebels Without a Subordinate Clause.

The script for all 24 episodes of season one was penned by Arnold Schwarzenegger, an unexpected fan of overscrupulous grammar rules.

Schwarzenegger used his Hollywood might (and terminating skills picked up from The Terminator) to terrify studio execs into greenlighting his series.

The actor took on the role of Jeff Stark, the uncle (or something) of Jim Stark—James Dean’s character from Rebel Without a Cause.

Jeff is a youthful rebel who just so happens to look like a 75 year old former Governor of California who speaks with a thick Austrian accent. Joining him on his adventures to destroy subordinate clauses are:

  • Bernie Ecclestone: The former Formula One supremo making his acting debut.
  • Sissy Spacek: The Hollywood legend takes on a challenging role as a question mark.
  • Nicolas Cage: Cage has a challenging dual role much like his performance in Adaptation (2002), where he plays a parenthesis.
  • Noam Chomsky: Making his debut is the linguistical genius, who plays an obstinate man who hates linguistics and so reads tabloids to compensate.

There are many other cameos, too, ranging from Miley Cyrus to someone claiming to be Jack the Ripper. Although the latter’s claim hasn’t been verified.

Rebels Without a Subordinate Clause launched in mid-2022 and met with disastrous reviews, with critics hailing it the worst TV show of the year.

Schwarzenegger responded by personally terminating all naysayers, with much carnage and destruction ensuing.

There followed a flurry of highly positive reviews from other critics, with the show retrospectively (a few days after being savaged) hailed as the best television series in the history of time.

The Best Subordinate Clause Episodes

The show has been advanced for at least another 10 series, primarily in the vague hope it’ll stop The Terminator from destroying us all.

However, the first series has many, MANY highlights from many, MANY episodes. These include the following:

  • Subordinate This: Schwarzenegger spends the entire episode mercilessly gunning down semi-colons in a killing frenzy unlike anything ever before seen on primetime TV.
  • Killing Those Commas: Schwarzenegger spends the entire episode mercilessly gunning down commas in, what many grammar fans consider, the biggest affront on language since the publication of 50 Shades of Grey.
  • If It Reads, We Can Kill It: A subtle nod to the famous Predator quote (“If it bleeds, we can kill it“), this episode is about the rebels going around wiping out reading enthusiasts. Particularly notable is the scene with Sissy Spacek piledriving a student headfirst into the ground. Take that, nerds!
  • Grammar Noises: A subtle nod to famous Arnold noises, this episode consists of the cast sitting about grunting. This was the Emmy winner.

Keep an eye out for series two, which’ll feature all that and much more!

Especially exciting is the expected arrival of a mass murdering ellipsis and an apostrophe with a personal vendetta.


  1. I never saw Buffy the Ampersand Slayer. This is because the original movie was so monolithically dumb I never bothered with the TV series. I like the idea of an Arnie/Chomsky movie though, especially if it involves furthering the war against those pesky subordinate clauses.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can imagine a tremendous action/sci-fi blockbuster involving space battles in the name of active voice VS passive voice. I do feel grammar and whatnot remain a great untapped source of Hollywood high-concept escapism. I will continue to demonstrate this until I’m signed up to write a screenplay.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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