Today is the big one (or the not so big one). We’re talking about penises! Okay, okay, let’s keep it mature now! No sniggering at the back.

As it’s perfectly possible to love a human male for who he is as a person. But then there are also small penises, which is a bridge too far. Where’s the limit!? We find out today with the damsel in distress over her husband.

All is Fair in Love and Wieners

Dear agony aunt. There's no way to say this other than to say it. My husband is great. Magnificent, even. But his penis is very small and I've got to say his inability to grow a bigger one is really starting to piss me off. Why is he so goddamn lazy?

I decided to broach this subject carefully.

So, I waited until one morning over breakfast. He was looking at the news on his phone, in his dressing down, munching on a bowl of cereal. "This is the perfect time!" I said to myself. So I said, "Honey! Your penis is really small so I'm going to divorce you unless you get a bigger one."

Well, the slobbish prick went and spat out all his Cornflakes everywhere. "Oh, great, and I guess GUBBINS here will have to clear that up, won't I!?"

We then argued violently while he cleared it up.

His argument was very weak and I think you'll agree. This was his side of the debate:

- He doesn't have any control over his size
- He didn't realise it was such an issue for me
- Genitals shouldn't get in the way of true love
- Why did I marry him when I already knew how small he is

I scoffed at every point he listed out and called him an "idiot" when he'd finished his clueless rant. And I responded like this:

1. If he "doesn't have any control" over it, then why didn't he get penis enlargement surgery when he was younger?
2. He SHOULD have realised it was an issue from the subtle hints I was dropping, such as buying extra large vegetables during our weekly grocery shop while loudly noting, "I like big ones of everything"
3. The "true love" argument—refer to #1
4. Why I married him?! BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO GET BIGGER!

I mean he's 43, I don't get why he just doesn't put some effort in to do it. He can grow a beard. He's got back hair. His feet are massive and stupid. Yet THE ONE area I'm asking for and he can't be bothered!

Nope. This isn't the man of my dreams. Divorce it is! Yours, Laura

Hello Laura. Before you divorce your husband over this matter, you should consider all available alternatives before you commit to this life-changing decision.

Consider the below points carefully, as it’s important to save a marriage rather than abandon it without refrain. Think carefully about:

• Having an affair with someone well endowed
• Sleeping around a lot to see if it’s really worthwhile finding some bloke who just happens to have a whopper
• Performing thorough market research. Ask random women in the street what they think you should do
• Starting an online fundraiser for public contributions towards your husband’s surgery

Is it really worthwhile dumping your husband (someone you clearly admire, as you’ve said he’s “magnificent”) in favour of someone who’s massive, but also potentially a massive tosser?

If your answer to that is a resounding “YES!” then get on with it.

However, if you stop for a second and think, “Hmmm… maybe we could afford that penis enlargement surgery!” Then it is time to reconsider.

Remember, surgery ALWAYS makes you more attractive.

Whether you want your nose pointing in a different direction, bigger breasts, or a husband with a disturbingly enormous penis, you can claim that grand reality.

Just casually inform your husband his private parts have to go under the knife and he’ll be as happy as Larry (probably) that you’ve decided to save your marriage.