If you want scurvy due to nutritional deficiencies, or skyrocketing cholesterol, Ryan’s Ridiculous Ready Meals [Sponsored Post] are the dinners for you!
Okay, that’s a good first line of copy. By the way, don’t forget to remove the “[Sponsored Post]” bit. We don’t want to look like goddamn amateurs around these idiots. We’re trying to trick them into buying this shit, that’d give the game away. Also, don’t forget we’ve hiked the prices, mention this further below but make it out look like it’s part of a fantastic deal. Buy one get the fifth ready meal half price. That’ll trick these dumb pricks. Cheers, Ryan.
Buy Ryan’s Ridiculous Ready Meals today from all good supermarkets. The special offers will FREEZE you in your tracks! Buy five of our range… GET THE FIFTH READY MEAL HALF PRICE! Check out what’s in store.
Ryan’s Ridiculous Ready Meal Taste Sensation
Ryan’s range is cheap and filling. You can give these to your kids and they’ll shut up for, oooh, probably a good few minutes! Best consumed in front of the TV while watching re-runs of Top of the Mops.
The Pasta Splat
Mouth-watering, isn’t it? That is The Pasta Splat—a Ryan special. It consists of pasta and a generally assorted splat of other stuff.
We have no idea where the ingredients are sourced from, but we can guarantee it’s probably unsanitary.
Ready in just 60 seconds, the pasta splat is also guaranteed to give you serious stomach upsets. One for a rainy weekend.
Ominous Looking Ready Meal
Ominous by name. Ominous by nature. Ready in just 25 seconds, we’re not entirely sure what’s in this one.
But that doesn’t matter! Because there’s enough sugar in there to make whatever the hell it is tasty, horrifically bad for you, and moreish. Only £5.50! Buy three for £12.45!
The Gut Rotter
Only the bravest of souls will go anywhere near this thing! There’s plenty of sweetcorn in there, but everything else is highly dubious.
Packed with preservatives and all sorts of other gubbins, within 60 seconds of entering your gut you’ll be feeling cramped, uncomfortable, and cursing the day you were born.
What is it, Mommy?!
Got a problem with spoiled brats who don’t know they’re born!? The What is it, Mommy!? will scare the bejeezus out of them.
Cooked in just 5 seconds of full beam microwaving, give it to the child and they’ll be bloody well grateful for it, too!
Plate of Noodles
10 minutes in the microwave, shred every ounce of taste from the tangled mass, and present it to your husband of choice.
This meal will put hair on anyone’s eyebrows!
Packed with 22g of salt and overloaded with appalling preservatives, if you want to finish off your blockhead of a husband then this is the slippery slope to take.
A Word From Ryan
“At Ryan’s Ridiculous Ready Meals, we pride ourselves on providing the best quality foods to our customers. That’s why we only use the finest, most toxic preservatives.
From sodium nitrate and nitrite to BHA, BHT, potassium bromate, trans fats and fructose corn syrup. You name it, we use it. This is because we care for our customers.
Furthermore, I, personally, ordain each ready meal as it leaves our production line. A most demanding role, which is why I pay myself £150 million per annum. This wage ensures I am able to contaminate my customers with toxins to keep them from starving to death. It is an astonishing personal sacrifice; one which consumes most of mine day. Yet, for the good of the people, it is one I am noble enough to undertake.”
This just gives me the shivers. I haven’t been eating that healthy lately I’ve been so busy taking care of heart patients that haven’t been eating so healthy. 🥹
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Yeah, I had an unhealthy slump in recent years. But you feel a lot better when you eat healthy stuffs, those chemicals do you in.
Also… BUY RYAN’S TAKEAWAYS! $20 for three, fourth one $5, fifth only $3!
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📝 adding to grocery list
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Good! Pay attention to me as I mansplain to you! This is my breakfast:
Porridge
Pumpkin seeds
Raisins
Turmeric (yes!)
Oat milk
Bit of yoghurt
Dash of honey (dunno if you have this in Florida though)
That’s the game changer there. In the mornings now you’d be like, “Omg! I, ‘olly, fancy some turmeric porridge. I say!”
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Porridge? Are we in the same planet? I guess you mean oatmeal. That’s yummy, try that with a bit of peanut butter. We have honey here, we’re the bee capital of the tropics.
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OATMEAL!? Don’t make me laugh! Porridge is the best thing in the world. Honey is also good.
Florida Bees – yes, they’re famous for their excellent suntans.
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Porridge is oatmeal! Speak English. 🐝
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Porridge def: A dish consisting of oatmeal or another meal or cereal boiled in water or milk.
Porridge (informal British): Time spent in prison.
You mean… you’ve been to jail!? Oh my days!
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Are you not using Oatmeal…? I would have to be imprisoned for my own safety if I said “porridge” 🙂
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I think you should start saying “porridge” to fellow Floridians. Really freak them out a bit.
Watch one of those Peter Kay shows, pick up on some Northernisms. Reet proper!
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It’s not like we haven’t read Oliver Twist. I think I will start saying porridge 🥣 I want to be reet proper!
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Oliver TWIT more like!
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Yeah , Oliver says porridge the twit.
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As a Potassium Benzoate miner I find this cruel satire offensive, why are you taking chemicals out of my kid’s mouths by not buying chemicals?
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Please direct all complaints to Ryan’s Ridiculous Ready Meals, I’m just running this Sponsored Post to earn income off Ryan’s moral bankruptcy. A pure and noble pursuit.
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My father once invented a delicacy called “tuna fish glop” and I think it would be an excellent addition to your product line. It tastes as amazing as it sounds! You could hire him as a consultant.
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Tuna Fish Glop… is it patented? I shall forward his details to Ryan’s Ridiculous Read Meals, it appears like he’d make an excellent director for the business. Imagine the range:
Tuna Fish Glop
Tuna Fish Plop
Tuna Fish Slop
Tuna Fish Pop (soda drink)
The sky is the limit!
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You had me at tuna fish slop. Brilliant!
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Tuna Fish Slop – $20 a can!
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With food inflation costs these days, $20 a can sounds like a steal!
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Truth! UK prices – buying a tin of baked beans is like buying a new car. (perhaps slight exaggeration there, but it feels like it)
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There’s a slogan right there: Ryan’s Ridiculous Ready Meals – cheaper and more nutritious than eating a car!
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