As with eating apples at work there are other foods employees can consume too heinous to mention in polite society.

Onions are one such, aforementioned, foodstuff.

Staff members consuming this vegetable are committing crimes against humanity. Including stinky poops breath and much eye-watering crying. As we know, EMOTIONS are not welcome in the business environment! As such…

The Law is on Your Side! Curb Onion Consumption at Work to Reduce Stench

The Eating Onions at Work Act 1974 regulates this most pertinent of business issues. Although only 12 pages in length, the Act strictly forbids the consumption of onions (raw or otherwise) on the premises of any business.

This is due to the desire to limit employees having:

• Raw onion breath
• Onion breath
• The freedom to eat onions

The Act empowers employers like yourself to take the most draconian of measures towards any employee flouting your rules.

For example, if a member of staff arrives to work to consume a raw onion sandwich for lunch then you have a variety of steps you can take to crush their maverick spirit. Including, but not limited to:

• A written warning
• A verbal warning
• Demotion
• Instant dismissal
• Blackmail
• Music torture (i.e. enforced listening to rap)
• Sensory overload torture
• Chinese water torture
• Sleep deprivation
• Burying alive
• Crushing by office documents
• Flagellation
• Stoning
• Strappado
• Enforced nudity
• Hanging, drawing, and quartering
• Petty name calling
• Wedgies

Employers such as yourself, under the Act, are allowed to mix and merge half a dozen of the above (or other) torture methods as you see fit.

Do note, withholding the right to eat onions (raw or otherwise) is inherent to the Act. Therefore, there’s no need to hang warning signs around any working environment informing employees of their rights.

They should intrinsically understand they’re banned from eating onions.

Thus, any hoodlum found to be breaching said rules must be taught a lesson. As such, we recommend a wedgy followed by petty name calling and then being buried alive under a mountain of paperwork. That’ll teach them!

The End of Days: What if an Employee Has a Tuna and Onion Sandwich?

As we’ve noted previously, the arrival of tuna into the workplace is a borderline national emergency.

However, should a particularly idiotic employee bring a tuna and onion sandwich into the office then you’re dealing with an actual national emergency. It’s essential your employees have the wherewithal to report such a misdemeanour to a manager ASAP in order for immediate defensive action to take place.

This would include cordoning off the area around your business by up to 10 miles and setting off blaring Blitz style warning sirens.

Such sirens will warn locals near to your business to evacuate the area, flee to higher ground (such as Ben Nevis or Big Ben, should they live near to either of them), and/or dig an enormous ditch to hide in.

Do note, once you’ve triggered such defence mechanisms the army will be notified and a squadron of fighter jets will descend upon your business premises.

At this stage, they will likely be on the safe side and torpedo your property, reducing it to a flaming pile of malodorous rubble.

This is rather than have the lingering stench of tuna and onions in the air.

And we think everyone will agree, for the good of any nation, this is the only possible route to take in the event of an emergency like onions.

Legalese Regarding Onions at Work

Should your employees become annoyed they can’t eat the likes of onion bhaji at work, and if they’re obnoxious enough to think they deserve the right to eat such a foodstuff, you can ward off their anarchic sensibilities with confusing legalese.

There’s nothing that’ll put a bunch of freeloading employees into their place like tedious intimidation tactics. Such as threatening to fire everyone or provide business-wide pay cuts.

Be sure to issue business-wide emails with big words such as:

• Gross misconduct
• Act of God
• Ab initio
• Actus reus
• Affidavit
• Arbitration
• Caveat emptor
• Burden of proof
• Eminent doman
• Chattel
• Heabeas corpus
• In loco parentis

Hurling a bunch of Latin around willy-nilly is a guaranteed way to end onion-based insurrections before you can say, “Do you want to all be fired, for crying out loud!?”

However, you can revert to that line if you so wish.

It’s a clever bit of wordplay (i.e. a “pun”) on how onions can reduce people to tears when sliced. You can also insinuate it will all end in tears unless they bloody well back off and stop eating onions at work.