Some human females realise it is wise to date human males who are more attractive than other human males.

Indeed. Man blokes can be rated on an attractiveness scale of 0-10 (where 0 is extraordinarily ugly and 10 is an ultra-Adonis).

This isn’t shallow or silly. It’s the actions of a lady who wishes to marry a geezer who’s just vastly superior to all around him. But is it really sensible? Let us explore this most noble of topics.

Dating Men Only Because They’re Good Looking

Hiya I’m Lisa.

I’m 28 and a bit of all right so I’ve got a long history of dating smoking hot men. However I’ve come to realise ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS. Why are  they always such toxic man babies who you have to slap him every 35 seconds!? It makes dating soooooo difficult!

My friend Cally, who’s a bit of a minger and probs just jealous, said to me, “Lisa you can’t expect these guys to be nice if you just go out with them based on their physical appearance. You need to think it through logically. Wait to see what they’re like before jumping in bed with them. Unfortunately, dating life is about compromises. That super hot hunk you like may well be a bit of a dickhead who you’d be wise avoiding. While that guy you think is an ugmo may be your ideal personality match and long-term partner.”

Like I said. Jealous. Ded jels. She just wants me to date ugmos so she has a chance with the gorgeous hunks but I tell you now, mark my words, she ain’t got a chance with a Plain Jane look like she’s rocking YOLO.

Anyway I’m writing to you to confirm what I already know.

Continue dating the babes until one of them turns out to be a decent human being. I swear on the Earth below my feet it’s taken 10 years so far and a long line of fit guys have been dated and discarded.

If it takes another 10 years I swear, on the Moon and the Sun, I’ll commit to it. No matter how much heartbreak is ahead! No matter how many times I cry myself to sleep! No matter how many times the guy behaves like a jerk on a date! No matter whether he’s a raging pig dog sexist with the values of a turd! No matter how many times I have to bitch face because he’s eyeing up other women when we start dating! No matter how many times he cheats on me within days of us being exclusive!

Because I WILL NOT… EVER NOT… date a guy who’s below an 8/10! Why!? Because I’m at the VERY LEAST a 9.5/10 on a bad day!

I ain’t got time for guys with wonky noses, knobbly knees, bald patches, and jawlines that don’t look like they’ve been chiselled by GOD HIMSELF!

My standards are high for a reason. Beauty demands respect!

So… to the guys reading this… no I AM NOT SHALLOW. I just have high standards so BACK THE HECK OFF with your “Can I get your number, sweetheart!?” lines unless you’ve got a body finely honed by an absurd number of hours in your local gym!

Yours, Lisa

Lisa… reading your message was a rollercoaster of emotions for us during which time we experienced:

• Surprise
• Elation
• Dread
• Fear
• Horror
• Depression
• Hatred
• Annoyance
• Liberosis

By the end of your rant we’d entered a fugue state and wandered out of the Professional Moron office into the street. We began asking out every hot guy we encountered, but they were all straight so rejected us.

We followed one across Manchester.

Eventually, he got freaked out and began running away. We sprinted after him, the entire four-strong Professional Moron team, and chased him across Piccadilly Gardens and into the Northern Quarter.

He eventually keeled over, sweating and panting, and as we surrounded him he roared, “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!”

At this point we escaped from our fugue state trance, apologised profusely to the hot man bloke, and returned to the office for cucumber sandwiches.

The moral of this story?

Lisa, you’re 28. Within five years you’ll be past 9.5/10 levels and entering a 9.2/10 phase. This may strike mortal fear into your soul and get you saving for plastic surgery, but fear not!

Treat this reality check as just that. A chance to chill the hell out a bit. Leave those poor hot blokes alone! They haven’t done anything to you! Well, except the horrible ones you described in vivid detail.

Just remember that when there’s cucumber sandwiches available, and food in general, dating man blokes seems irrelevant in comparison. Embrace. Enjoy.