When a human male grows himself some fancy facial hair, you can guarantee there’s a human female out there who hates it.
Today’s victim of a man bloke has HIS WIFE OF ALL PEOPLE on his case because she dislikes his goatee and all the stuff (food etc.) that gets clogged up in it. Which is EVERY BIT AS BAD as those blokes who shave and don’t clean the sink after. Just the inverse of that.
It’s POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD and we’re here to instantly side with the human male and the harrowing experience perpetrated upon his noble being!
Or, on second thoughts, does the human female have a point!? Are goatees pure evil? let’s dive on in and examine this one!
The Goatee: The World’s Most Divisive Piece of Facial Hair
All right mate? I’m Clive. I’m 39 and proud of my goatee. I’ve put a lot of time and effort into growing this out and style it every day with a pair of tweezers, electric razor, and I individually pluck out every single hair I dislike.
My goatee is the pride of my life.
Some men have fancy cars. Others hang out with babes. Some run businesses so they can pay people poverty wages.
Me? I grow my goatee and I am PROUD of it.
KNOW WHO ISN’T PROUD OF MY GOATEE!? MY WIFE! THAT’S RIGHT, THE “LOVE OF MY LIFE” THINKS MY GOATEE IS “STUPID”! MY GOATEE IS NOT STUPID!
It is superb.
I know that as a scientific fact! I went to the 2023 Goatee Growing World Championship and came in a very fine 12th of 135 entrants. Next year I’m going for glory! I want the top prize AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO GET IN MY WAY!? MY WIFE’S NEGATIVITY! Because she thinks my goatee is “stupid”! You know what I think of HER!? I think she is the STUPID one!
She’s so delusional to the joys of goatees. The joys are MYRIAD (that means many) and here they are as I list them out to prove my excellent point:
- The goatee is the world’s most loved facial hair.
- THEY ARE BETTER THAN BEARDS!
- They are much better than STUBBLE.
- Goatees make men look SOPHISTICATED and REFINED and KNOWLEDGEABLE and EXTREMELY HANDSOME.
- A goatee is enough to make even the most BLAND looking fellow appear irresistible to the pickiest of women.
What THEY ARE NOT is STUPID! They are not stupid. They are brilliant and have provided so much to society. Just look at Gary Oldman! He has one and he’s a world famous actor! By styling my goatee, I can confirm I am every bit as excellent as Gary Oldman AND YET MY WIFE DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE IT!
Should I divorce her or report her to the police?
Regards, Clive
Hi there, Clive! We read your rambling message with earnest and have come to the following conclusions:
- Goatees are wrong.
Okay, so that was one conclusion. But it is the right one and our reasoning is thus:
- You’re a jackass.
Admittedly, Gary Oldman isn’t a jackass and has an excellent goatee. Thusly, we must adjust our previous stance slightly to the following:
- Goatees are fine so long as Gary Oldman keeps doing it.
As PROOF of this bold claim, here’s the man himself on the Graham Norton show sporting a most excellent goatee.
There’s the rub, Clive. Are you Gary Oldman? No you are not!
As such, we can only conclude you should scrub your goatee off your face, apologise to your lovely wife, and go forth into the street and thrash yourself with a belt 150 times as capital punishment.
After that, you’ll be free to live a happy and healthy existence knowing you’re not Gary Oldman and you are worthy sporting the facial hair you choose in the aftermath of this ordeal (i.e. stubble).
Glad to be of assistance! You’re welcome.
