Romance is romantic and is often associated with love, which is a human endeavour that involves marriage, arguments over cushion arrangements on furniture, and gender politics.

Some people get so addicted to romance they decide to write romantic fiction. Others, such as ourselves, invent things such as the romance bazooka to express ourselves through explosions.

But how do you write a good romance work without it making you want to cringe in despair at the corny factor? We’re on hand as the RESIDENT ROMANCE EXPERTS (RRE) to help out.

When a Romance Novel Needs to be Written, This is How

All right? I’m Derek and I’m a romantic kinda fella. My mates down the pub all say so. They say, “Derek you’re dead romantic you is, you should write them erotic thriller books!” I agree and so I’ve come up with the title:

THE HOT WOMAN AND THE MAN WHO WANTED TO PULL HER BUT NOT REALLY MORE THAN ANYTHING THAN A FLING

The main character is called Owen McWarrior. He’s 45 and very wealthy and he gets all the girls. I think I’ll make a book series out of these but for now I’m writing the first chapter and here’s a bit of it:

“Owen McWarrior slugged from his beer like a REAL man and then he burped while eyeing up the top totty in the pub. Scratching himself to itch a itch he complained about men not being real anymore and then moved in to chat up a tall, leggy brunette who’d DEFINITELY been giving him the eye. ‘All right, babe? Get your coat, you’ve pulled!’ The brunette fluttered her eyelids and went to get her coat. However, Owen McWarrior then got an attack of heartburn cos of all the pies what he’d eaten when watching the footie and they bloody lost again, bloody hell! The brunette came back expecting to leave but he were like, ”scuse me love, can’t you see I’m ‘avin’ a moment, ‘ere?’ She fluttered her eyelids while waiting and Owen McWarrior then wanted to get another pie cos that one should balance out the heartburn, he reckoned. ‘I ain’t no bloody pansy!’ he said and decided to power on through with beers and pies. The brunette waited patiently like while he exhibited his manliness for all to see. It were brill.”

I’m dead happy with it especially when I used “exhibited” there I think that’s a mega bit of writing! Didn’t know I had it in me! The plot involves Owen McWarrior chatting up women but then he falls for a REALLY, REALLY good looking woman and wants to marry her. But then it turns out she’s not interested in Owen McWarrior… BUT OWEN MCWARRIOR DOES NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER!

Can you give me any other romance writing tips? I need to work out how Owen McWarrior doesn’t take no for an answer.

Cheers, Derek

Hi there, Derek. Here at the Professional Moron office we pooled our romance knowledge banks to come up with some romantic stuff.

This is what we discovered to be the most romantic things:

• Scotch eggs (when you think about it)
• Pink things. Anything related to pink is highly romantic and to prove that here are some fantastic examples:
  • Marshmallows
  • Cupcakes
  • Pink the pop singer
  • Balloons
  • Pigs
  • Ribbons
  • Axolotls
  • Blob fish
• Maximum strength beer
• Perfume
• Titanic (the film)

Our suggestion is you focus on blob fish. That’d be an excellent, fantastic, and unexpected plot development for your readers.

Have it that Owen McWarrior buys the woman of his dreams a blob fish as a present to woo her interests.

Naturally, the woman would be delighted.

Thus, you have a successful conclusion to your novel. You can call the blob fish Larry and use him as a recurring character across the series.

We do also have a slight criticism of your book’s title: THE HOT WOMAN AND THE MAN WHO WANTED TO PULL HER BUT NOT REALLY MORE THAN ANYTHING THAN A FLING. It’s a tad on the long side of things.

Why not change the title to: Owen McWarrior and the Very Attractive Woman Whom He Decides to Woo With a Blob Fish They Later Name Larry?

It’s a succinct and perfect title that accurately reflects the plot developments readers can expect, whilst also indicating much romantic romance is afoot.

That’ll be £50, please, Derek as we charge for our editing and proofreading services. Cheers!