Whether a colleague got a promotion they felt they deserved, or somebody stole their workplace lunch, seething inwardly is a skill many employees must master.

It’s all part of REMAINING CALM when all around you is turning into anarchy, chaos, disorder, mayhem, carnage, destruction, and lunacy.

But sometimes the urge to slug a fist at employees and/or colleagues can be overwhelming. Thus, how does one manage such urges to lash out? Read our guide to ensure YOU avoid your next employment tribunal and/or disciplinary hearing.

How to Remain Calm at Work Under ALL Circumstances (yes, even if someone is chewing with their mouth open)

There were many Acts in place to legislate calming antics in the workplace. These included:

• The Keeping Your Shit Together at Work Act 1974
• The Relaxation at Work Act 1974
• The Keeping Calm and Carrying On in the Spirit of the Blitz Act 1945
• The Have a Cup of Tea and Forget About it Act 1974

However, all of the above were consolidated in 2010 to form a Super Act (a bit like if ABBA and The Bee Gees were to merge together as a supergroup called ABBA GABBA).

This is The Calm the Bloody Hell Down at Work Act 2010.

Across 451,465 pages and 45,132 sections, it dictates the need to stay calm (or be fired and left destitute and homeless). It also dictates, for employers and employees, the tactics required to keep a good frame of mind.

But first, what are the triggering factors for workplace panic? Let’s find out!

Non-Calming Behaviour at Work That Induces Mayhem

The list of possible non-calm workplace triggers is endless (at least 35, probably even more). Some of these include:

• A colleague chewing with their mouth open at lunch.
• Multiple colleagues chewing with their mouths open at lunch.
• Someone slurping their soup.
• Someone eating an apple at work.
• Eating during meetings.
• Interrupting colleagues during discussion.
• Reheating fish in the canteen microwave.
• Stealing colleagues’ carefully packed lunches.
• Leaving a mess in the canteen kitchen.
• Clogging the toilet at work and making no effort to clear the mess.
• Sending unnecessary emails and CCing everyone into them.
• Constantly getting “your” and “you’re” wrong.
• Battling into work when full of cold in a, seeming, attempt to bring the entire business down from within.
• Blurting out political opinions and presuming everyone will be in agreement.
• Holding meetings for no reason.
• Backstabbing and/or gossiping.
• Humble bragging.
• Turning up to work with hangover breath.
• Bringing Jaffa Cakes to work, but not offering them to anyone.

The above are all guaranteed ways to ensure there is a total lack of calm in a working environment. This isn’t desirable.

To address the the resulting stress from the above, follow these steps IMMEDIATELY to form a salubrious state of mind.

Employer Calming Tactics

Employers should aim to give themselves a huge, and immediate, pay rise for no real reason.

This’ll reinforce longstanding beliefs of immense superiority over the freeloaders working for you who are screwing your life up.

With your pay rise, go forth and buy a supercar. Arrive in it at work to really rub your pathetic employees’ faces in your success and wealth. Hahaha!

Employee Calming Tactics

Professionals should focus on their pathetic status as lowly employees.

Concentrating on their dismal failure in the business world, as poorly paid schlubs in dead end jobs, will help bring a cessation to the panic attack thanks to a fit of existential despair.

The depressive fit can be handled after work by drinking vast amounts of alcohol. Problem solved (ONCE AND FOR ALL).

Leadership Insights on Remaining Calm at Work

Professional Moron caught up with some of the major players on the 2024 business scene on how THEY remain calm.

Mr. Wapojif the Editor of Professional Moron

“My focus is to ensure nothing is EVER calm. I take this inspiration from Steve Jobs, who famously said the worst thing you can say to an employee is, ‘Good job!’

Thus, I take that a logical step further and ensure my members of staff are in a constant state of fear and mania.

The trauma they feel on a daily basis fuels our overall lack of success, ensuring that when success does indeed one day come (because as the maxim states, ‘Work hard and you shall succeed!’), I can take all the praise for that and claim my demented workplace practices were the sole reason for this.

As such, I maintain policies such as Chainsaw Tuesdays, where everyone has a revving chainsaw all day on a Tuesday. The colossal noise and close proximity to agonising injuries keeps everyone on their toes!”

Cat Hypnosis Ltd.

“Here at Cat Hypnosis Ltd. (the UK’s top hypnosis agency) we maintain a policy of cat-based relaxation. When an employee is feeling stressed, they get to pet a cat. It works! It works so well we often surreptitiously induce small pay cuts without the employee noticing or even really caring!”

Bob the Butcher

“I’m Bob and I’m a butcher in Bolton of Greater Manchester. If my SNOWFLAKE employees start stressing out I call them a BUNCH OF SNOWFLAKES and start waving my meat cleaver at them! Don’t need none of this WOKE ‘mental health’ nonsense, me. It’s best to rule with a bloody meat cleaver! Eeeee.”

Miscellaneous Calming Tactics to Consider

Use the following calming tactics to keep everyone under control during any given working day. These include:

• Vodka: If anyone is freaking out, just make them drink some vodka. It’s extraordinary how soon they’re under control, even to the point of being passed out unconscious on the floor. Now THAT is calm!
• Cheese: Everyone loves a great cheeseboard! In moments of panic, turn to good old Red Leicester for answers.

That’s it! Sometimes it’s a good idea to mix cheese and vodka together in a bucket from the janitor’s closet. This so employees can glug from what is called The Bucket of Hope and become calm in about 65 seconds.

Final Thoughts on Calmness at Work

Thank you for taking this emotional journey with us. After reading this expert guide you will be feeling:

• Calm
• Relaxed
• Inspired
• Vibrant

However, there are some of you who may be feeling:

• Distressed
• Disturbed
• Full of a rage of 1,000 suns

If you’re still angry, there are always anger management lessons. Take up punching brick walls with your fists to unleash that pent up fury.

Just don’t do that on company property, employees! Otherwise you’ll have to pay to repay that, you hear!?